Being A Mom

I got asked the other day if i like what I do... i obviously didn't hesitate, but answered with a very reassured "Yes", with a laugh behind it. But followed with the question, "meaning staying home EVERY day??".. Somedays trust me I look at the outside world, and miss getting ready to go some where, putting make-up on and dressing nice, instead of laying in a t-shirt and sweats all day, no make-up on, with un brushed hair. I long to look good for some one or something, but the fact that I have two toddlers, that don't notice make-up or a nice shirt, doesn't really much matter to me when Iam at home with them. I sometimes long for being away from my kids, just to have that moment where there so excited to see you when you do return and pick them up. I think about the days where my kids weren't in my life, and wonder what I did all day. I miss obviously being able to come and go as I please, because now it's more of a chore trying to leaving the house. Bending over to put on shoes in impossible now, and making sure i have everything packed in the diaper bag, from snacks, to suckies, to sippie cups, to diaper, wipes, wallet, cell phone..ect... It makes going out very tiring and not really worth it, especially if it's for one thing.

I miss the days where i only had me to worry and care about, and now I have to lives in my hands. I just can't lay through lunch if Iam not hungry, cause i have two mouths to feed, cause there always hungry. I just can't lay down on the couch for five minutes with out someone jumping on me or tossing a toy my direction cause they want attention, and someone to play with. I can't remember the last bathroom break I had where it was alone, the last shower I had where there wasn't banging on the door, or the kids ended up in the tub with me. I can't remember the last meal I ate warm, or even finshied, or should i say enjoyed...lol

My days are filled with happiness, sadness, anger, joy, love, worry, hate, fear, so many emotions. I have days where things are so wonderful around here.. yesterday I was so happy cause lunch was a success.. meaning they ate everything, no crying, no throwing food, I was happy and proud. I have days where I fall to the floor and cry, and wonder what mother can do this everyday, what mother can raise 8 children, and not go insane. I have most days where I just look at my girls and can't believe there mine, that there my creation, and there so wonderful and beautiful, and also many days where I would sell them to the next pedestrian walking down the street. From the crying cause of tiredness, or getting there way, the screaming cause of the fighting or the time-outs that sometimes continue on through-out the day. I have found myself looking at them in those moments, and crying along with them. Wondering again, how am i going to do this day in and day out for the next how many years.

As I looked across to my friend, I looked at her, and thought in that moment, how yes Iam very proud to be a stay at home mom. To watch my kids grow and learn and love and laugh, each and every day. Motherhood is a tough thing. If someone would've said that years back to me, I think I might've laughed and said "oh it can't be that hard". Everyday is a new day for me. I don't know what the day is going to bring, but all i ask for each day is strength and patience, and sometimes that doesn't always exactly happen. Everyday i wake to children either jumping on me or crying cause there already hungry, so it's out of bed and in the constant mommy mode.
I never dreamed of motherhood being this hard. Being in constant need of someone, and always having to be ready for the next moment. I think about life 20 years from now, and how I will be all alone. How these years I spent someday pulling my hair out, or teaching them endless new things, or the many play times we share together, there not even going to remember, and that makes me sad. I think about how some days I don't want them to need me or want me so bad, and that one day I will want them back and they'll be on there own, and not be in need of me.

I need to take this time and enjoy life, and motherhood. Everyday I question this, and I know the answers right there.. It's the best thing I have ever done.

10 weeks

I have 10 weeks to go, and some days I feel like Iam not going to make it. This pregnancy has taken a toll on me, probably cause I have been chasing a 1 and 2 year old around, and it's been alot different. I can't get down with them anymore to play, and bathing them is so hard cause our tub is so deep. It's been difficult, and I know these next 10 weeks always fly by, so I shouldn't complain. I started spotting yesterday which is odd for me, nothing like this has ever happened. I didn't go see the doc or nothing, and this morning it was there again, but as for now has stopped. I will go defiantly if it starts happening again.

Other than that life has been good lately. It was getting really tough there for a while, I felt like i wanted to close this chapter on my life, and run away. I hated me, and everything about me, and was very depressed. I called Riley many days crying, and needing him cause i felt all alone. Things are looking much better now. Iam alot happier, I have been taking some different vitamins, thats are to help with the moods, and the hormones, and the crazy thoughts, and it's totally awesome how great I feel since starting them. Iam much happier, calmer, and more lovable...lol... I feel great to say the least.

Iam starting to get nervous about this baby, but am praying not to be nervous, cause that always leads to not such good things. I think the reason Iam most scared, is cause i had a baby last year, and I remember it clearly. I mostly am praying it wont happen in the night, cause i have no where to take my girls, or no one to come over and watch them, and just praying for a safe and easy labor... I prayed and prayed last time with Aubrie, and all went GREAT!!

As for the girls, Aubrie says everything you can imagine. I accidentally said the SH*T word the other day, and well so did she. She is a very smart little girl. And Allie she is getting excited for the baby. She asks alot when the baby is coming out, and she know she gets to help me change and bath the baby. She is excited!! Anyways, I should be off to enjoy this wonder day!!

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Seven

That's what time my girls went to bed tonight. It was an afternoon of hell should I say.. Allie has skipped naps all week, and I think it's finally caught up to her. She gets so grouchy from 4 on, and tonight topped the charts. She cried, and whined, and cried and cried. I found myself slowing wanting to just open the front door and run. I couldn't handle it... and when Riley walked through the door, it was such a welcoming home to have a house full of crying. She didn't want him or me, or no one, what she wanted was her juice, and that's something she wasn't going to get. She will get it with supper after she eats some or most of her meal, but she wanted it before, and then she usually downs the entire cup and doesn't eat. So she didn't even eat supper tonight, because she cried and cried for her juice, and that was all she wanted, she was just so awful. It lasted all through supper, bath time, and even when we sat down to build blocks she continued with throwing them and being just plane bad. So at 7 she went to bed, and when I closed her bedroom door my hands covered my face, I fell to my knees, and I was so thankful I made it through. It was one of the worst days in a long time. I tried to contain my patience and anger, and did pretty good, but had a few moments where I fell through and just yelled. All I kept asking for was "Strength, strength to make it threw this day".