Aubrie

I had the pleasure this week to spend a day with my sweet Aubrie.  She was home sick with a bad cold.  I love my aubie!!  She is special, unique and different in so many good ways!!  She's her own person and I love that about her.  I love her style, how she is proud of all she does.  I love how she crafts and creates such wonderful little things.  I love how she's growing into her own, she's changing so much daily.

She was home one day with a bad cold this week.  I no she enjoyed the one on one attention the entire day.  She enjoyed being able to spend lots of time with Brynlee as well.  She reminds me so much of Brynlee.  I actually call Brynlee Aubrie lots!    Needless to say she talked my ear off the entire day and I really enjoyed it.  She thinks of such amazing things.

Aubrie was born 17 months after Allie, and 18 months before Boedy.  My little firecracker!!  We always thought she reminded up so much of my Nanny, (my mom's mom) her actions and the way she walked and talked!!  Her voice was so tiny and she could talk your ear off.  He hair didn't grow till she was past 3.  She went through many stages of things she loved.  She loved Cars, the movie.  Dressed all Lightning Mcqueen often, including


hat and slippers and clothes.  She had her own imagination always and that was that.  She lived in Boedy's snow suit one year, I finally had to hide the thing because people were looking at my little girl dressed in a snow suit while it was 30 above outside.

Aubrie always has had a feisty attitude when her siblings make her mad.  Or if she's woken up tired, look out.  She has got great determination when she wants to do something.   But she always has had such a caring and loving side.  When she gets something she always wants to share even if Allie never has shared with her.  She told me the other day how in gym class these kids wanted her ball so she gave it to them knowing they were sad and she would make them feel  better.

I love her to pieces.  I try hard many days to have moments with her cause I always feel she was the middle child and didn't have much time with mommy.  Lets just say I sure enjoyed her sick day at home :)

Grateful

"You are the worst meanest mom ever" Boedy yelled as he ran to his bedroom.  Not the words I exactly wanted to hear to start my day.  Barely awake trying to get things rolling and here is Boedy in the kitchen trying to open my 12 pack of batteries I just purchased, to fill his remote control car and the remote.  12 whole batteries the thing takes, and you think I wanted to spare my freshly bought 12 pack for his remote control car only for him to leave it on and the batteries die??? NO!!!!  So I said "no sorry you arnt getting these batteries", and he tried and tried, till he finally got mad and ran to his room yelling those words at me.  I looked over at Allie, and thought "gee look what you taught him", and she knew exactly what I was thinking.  I don't think ever in my life did I say those words to my mother.  Im sure I may have thought them once or twice, but they didnt come out of my mouth.  I was sad, no mom wants to hear that, and yes I admit ive heard it more than once.  I spoke to Boedy and the girls that they are never to say those words to me again.  I was hurt.

The day continued to be a fail if you could say the least.  I kept telling myself to keep trucking and not let it win me into a bad day.  I had no ambition or hope to do anything in the house even though a million things needed to be done.  I like to be clean and tidy most of the time.  But my house may not always look that way.  Doesn't take much for it to look like a complete disaster actually.  Dishes are never ending.  Laundry is always on the go.  And toys every where.  I haven't washed my walls in well... are you kidding me you wash your walls??? I try and do the main areas where the kids are always touching.  I admit my floors only get washed maybe once a week.  The bathroom always has toothpaste somewhere on the counters, usually gobs due to Boedy squeezing half the tube out.  My laundry room was a complete disaster due to the girls trying several outfits on in the am and mixing the clean with the dirty.  Every where I turned needed to be cleaned.  And today, it wasn't going to happen.  Maybe due to the fact that Brynlee was up several times in the night and I was one tired mama!!

I went to the car wash in town to kill time before my mommy's group and well things didn't look up.  The van washed up good, bubbles and all, but no water to rinse the bubbles off. So I left with a very soapy van to mommy's group.

During mommy's group I enjoy listening to most of the first time mom's.  I know I was in there shoes once.  No I don't think Im no super mom here and definitely don't have it all figured out.  I like how they say "i read in this book this, and this book that", makes me laugh thinking how a book is helping them figure there babies out.  I admit it is most of the time a guessing game.  Then I listened to them all talk about there hot holidays there planning this winter, how excited they were to get away from there babies.  I was oddly confused at how one child can make you need a hot holiday so bad.  I held Brynlee and couldn't imagine leaving her behind to go soak up some hot heat that makes me feel yucky most of the time any ways.  I admit yes I would love a holiday myself.  Id love a holiday with my kids though and my husband.  I love watching the excitement in there eyes when we make a simple trip to Regina (yes we don't get out much)!!

I came home to yes a messy house... but I didn't let it bring me down.  This is my job.  My job as a wife and stay at home mom.  I chose this cause I wanted this.  Riley works hard everyday at his job, and most evenings as well, and I had my own duties and tasks to complete.  I was GRATEFUL in that moment for the mess of my house.  Yes believe it or not!!

Hope

Where the week went once again I do not know.  Time flies by.  And its never ending in the house so I find it very hard to sit down at the computer and write.

This past week was a crazy one.  One I'm sure I will never forget.  I went to three cities in 3 days.  Not my choice on some.  I have noticed a large lump in my breast for a long time now and figured like always it was a clogged milk duct or something along those lines.  I went to the doctor Thursday to simply get antibiotics to get it better.  Not imagining what else the doctor had in mind.  He told me it wasn't infected and asked if we had cancer in the family.  After that question I pretty much lost all form of speaking to him because I couldn't believe what I was hearing "me breast cancer"!!!!  I left the doctors office in tears.  Scared to death.  Millions crossed my mind but I tried not to let it.  I went and saw my mom and told her and she was shocked, I tried to sit down and couldn't so I went and saw Riley at work.  My mind was racing!!

Friday I got called for an Ultrasound on my breast.  I remember the ride in trying to be brave.  Trying to think of other things coming up, or Christmas or just things to occupy my mind.  But then I would think "what if I didn't make it to Christmas, who would watch my kids? This is definetly why my mom moved here? Im never going to see them grow up?  And Brynlee she's a baby, she wont remember me, I dont want to die, Iam not ready!!"

Its amazing how when you are faced with what's about to come what your mind can do.  How you lose all faith and HOPE!! How you think the worst because in this day an age what else is there to think.  I cried.  Cried so hard at times like I hadn't cried since my dad passed.  I missed my dad but I wasn't ready to see him yet!!!!

The appointment was long and intense.  She examined me left the room for 10 minutes or more.  I prayed so hard in those moments.  Told God, "not now. you cant have me now.  I have 4 kids a husband a whole life to live.  Please God, please God!!!"  I prayed over and over till the nurse came back with the doctor.  I had my mind convinced this was it.  This was the end!!  Doctor said "we cant find no mass, no cyst no nothing.  Must be infected bad to have such a large lump."  I said "so you cant find nothing bad, its all good?" He smiled and said yes.  I think I asked him again once more.  And just like that in that moment my thoughts and pain and fear all went away.

I swear every one needs that to happen once in your life. The feeling of maybe your life being done, losing it all.  The gratitude you feel once you know you are going to be ok.  I remember thinking "please God, I will be a better wife and mom and friend.  Please, I wont complain about anything anymore, or take a day for granted anymore, I want this life more than ever"!  And just like that I got it.  We all need that moment in our lives when it might be over, then you find out its going to be okay.  I remember seeing my kids that night and holding them soooo tight, and kissing my husband like it was the first time again.  I remember smiling at so many strangers cause I was soo HAPPY!!!

When I went to bed that night, I though about the other side.  The other scenario.  The one who gets told that it is cancer and there not going to make it.  I prayed for there souls, I prayed for strength in the many people who suffer cancer.  I prayed that our family never has to face a moment like I did ever!!!

Life is precious..if only so many people understood how time is such a precious gift we have been given.  We don't know when we are going to pass.  We don't know if its tomorrow, or 5 yrs or when we are 80.  But doesn't that make you want to enjoy your time here.  Enjoy each moment you have been given.  Stop the fighting, stop the yelling, stop the drama the gossip, stop cleaning if you clean to much.  Enjoy the moment, live in the moment.  Life isn't about what you own or what's in your bank account, your going to realize its about what's in your home.  The kids, the family you have.  So many people hold grudges, and it like "WHY?" life is to short for that.  I spent alot of time with my mom and dad.  Always went to Dilke, invited them many places with us always.  I knew in my heart that I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible, and look.  Iam so glad I did.

Yesterday a beautiful baby shower was held for me and Sheila, another lady from town.  It was beautiful, simple all we needed. So well put together and so fun.  A good friend of mine spoke some great words of wisdom.  About life, about motherhood.  How to enjoy each moment.  Enjoy the 100 questions you get asked a day, enjoy the mess, enjoy being a mom.  And you know, I sure am.  I love my job, and wouldn't want to be any where else in the world!!  Each day I will grab on to the moments and memories and cherish them, and hold them close to my heart.  Smile today... be thankful you are here, I sure am!!!

Selfish

Its been a long week.  I never found time to sit down and write this week.  Feels as though keeping up here at home is never ending.  Today I had a poor me day.  A day where I am upset.  A day where you buy a pail of ice cream and just want to eat the pail. (yes I bought one)  A day where the bag of chips isn't filling that void deep inside you.  I was down, and couldn't seem to snap out of it.  I tried many times to break free from it, dance around, be goofy with the kids, but it kept weighing on me.  I didn't want to see no one, or talk to any one.  Felt every where I went I just walked with my head down and didn't want to connect eyes with any one in town cause I just was having a down day.

I found myself upset because my husband who works so hard, all I want with him is a break, a day away, maybe even a date night in Kelvington would do just fine.  Anything so just him and I can look one another in the eyes and hear each other speak. Not be shouting over the kids, or the kids interrupting with stories, and questions.  Just the two of us, enjoying the peace and quiet of each other.   But we never get that, and it bothers us both so much.  We just want a date night.

I found myself upset cause no matter how much I clean and do laundry its never ending.  The pile grows bigger and bigger everyday, yet I'm doing laundry all the time.  No matter what room I clean, seems the kids move in after its clean and mess it up.  The shouting, the fighting, the tattle tales, the bossing around.  I wanted to scream, or lock myself in the pantry and continue to eat those chips.

I wanted a break with feeding today.  I wanted my kitchen to be closed because I couldn't think of any more lunch or supper ideas.  Im tired of making the same things day after day week after week.  Or when you do make a nice meal and one of the kids say "its disgusting" and they know they are just pushing my buttons when they say it, but oh it hurts.  I felt like every time I cooked, then I had to feed Brynlee than it was snack time, then feed Brynlee, then the next meal, than feed Brynlee.  All I want after I make a nice meal is to just sit and enjoy it cause Im usually starving due to the fact that I haven't ate all day cause I've forgotten and am so busy.  And I find I re heat my meal cause I'm usually dishing that out and oh you need a drink, and oh you have to have the pink plate, lets switch, and yes ketchup, and ranch to dip.  I just wanted to scream, and run far far away.

And finally tonight I broke down.  Broke down after I got off the phone with my mom and realized how SELFISH I was.  How selfish I was acting for thinking the things I did.  When I'm so blessed to have a great life and a healthy family, and my mom tells me how my 36 yr old first cousin, might not make it cause she just found out she has major cancer and it doesn't look good.  And how she just got engaged, and they will marry in the hospital if she's going to pass that quick.  How she asked for her ashes to be spread amongst our Nanny and Grandpa's ashes cause she was always so close to them.  How she asked her son's fathers parents if they will take care of him and make sure he has a good education and provide him with a loving family.  I cried and cried thinking how stupid and selfish I am for thinking I was having a rough day.  That my life was tough and difficult.  I fell to knees and Riley held me.  I told him I could never be so strong.  If I was in her shoes how could I say goodbye to my 4 kids and to him, how could I be making plans for there future.  I cried for all my stupid selfish thoughts over the course of the day.  She may never get a date night again. She may never have the chaos in her house of her kids, and the mess and the joys of motherhood and being a wife.  She may never get to enjoy watching her children grow, or go on family trips or have movie nights. And here I was complaining about little things.  I cried for her.  Thinking of her in her hospital room.  How does one process what the doctor just told you that you have alot of cancer and your days don't look good??

We prayed for her tonight.  Prayed for peace and comfort and prayed for a miracle in her body.  No more will I be so selfish.

 

Proud

All I can say is I am one proud momma, of all three of my kids ofcourse, but Boedy amazes me most days.  We've been working on reading lately, and hes just so excited to read and learn new things.  He is getting so smart, it brings a tear to my eye, where did my little boy go.  So grown up and changing everyday.  Yesterday he brought me a book home from school.  His eyes lit up as he read it to me, and showed me the things he drew and learnt.  I was so proud of him in that moment.  My heart melted as he showed me his work, and how proud of himself he was, it was so adorable.

Time

We live in a world that prides itself for being "connected".  Most adults have at least one smart phone, tablet, ipod, laptop ect these days.  We are constantly being interrupted by sounds and alarms, and ring tones.  We are being pulled in 20 different directions all because of technology.  Is it really helping us stay connected??

I read a few different articles lately that really caught my eye.  All the talk about electronics and how they are taking over our everyday lives with out us even knowing.  Have you ever glanced around a restaurant lately.  Watching a family eat a meal together is not the same any more.  You see at least a few if not all with there cell phones in hand and there thumbs at work, connecting with people that arn't even at the meal.   We have allowed our hearts to become unglued from the real people in our lives. Or how about when you are talking with a friend, and right in the middle of a story that friends cell phone beeps, and they don't wait till your done talking, they grab there phone, completely interrupt you, start reading there new message they got then they reply, and completely forget you were even talking.  I've had that happen to me numerous times and the person doesn't even notice because that cell phone has them completely addicted to it.  Its truly sad.  Sad that people reply on these devices now a day.  Sad that no one calls anyone any more and its all threw a text or facebook.  How many birthday invites the kids have got on facebook, or threw a text.  Or even a happy birthday threw facebook or a text.  No one calls and talks in person anymore.

But the sad thing is, how its taking our time up, instead of the time we should be giving to our children.  As moms we need to make sure that our children know they come first in our hearts, in our minds, and in our lives.  When we are constantly glancing at them over a shiny gadget, love is not the message we communicate.  We should behold our children as the apples of our eyes.  And too often we give them a distracted "in a minute" response, or not even respond and they say "never mind!" while we are answering a text or email.  Our children have the right to expect the undivided attention of there momma's.  We need to reassure our kids that they are a million times more important than anything that could flash across the screen of our gadgets.

Obviously technology does have its place at times, as I'm writing this blog on my computer.  But I chose to do it, as my kids are on the school bus and Brynlee is still asleep. I obviously myself own a smart phone and know the distraction it can lead to.  That's why I've went off facebook, because God has given me a new baby to love and cuddle and teach and raise for His glory, and I'm choosing to make this baby and my 3 other kids my priority, above social networking and "connectedness".  Its sad when you see a parent hand there 2 or 5yr old or whatever age a cell phone, ipod or ipad.  And oh how cute it is that they know how to use it.  Quite frankly its not cute, its very sad.  Our children have never been handed our cell phones to shut them up.  We don't live on ipods or our Wii or our computer.  We don't even have a dvd player in our vehicle, we listen to the constant fights or "I'm bored", or "what can I do", and we just tell them to look out the window like we all did as kids.  I want my kids to grow up not relying on a gadget in there face.  Its sad when you see families all on a gadgets, losing out on family time.  Losing out on the precious moments they could be spending with there children.  What happened to imaginations?? What happened to bike rides, and walks, and games around the table??  In our home we continue it. We try and have family moments as often as we can.  We go out side and play baseball and watch them on the play set, or ride bikes together or quad rides and walks.  My kids have huge imaginations.  They build forts and play house and doctor and restaurant.

People seem to forget that the ones closest to us are the ones suffering.  Trust me, Ive had days myself where my kids would say "mom stop texting already", and its sad that I wasn't giving my full attention to them,  but yet I was on face book or was to someone else.  That's why I've chosen to put my cell aside, and do my business on there when kids are asleep, or busy themselves with school or other activities.  We have chosen that our children come first over a device.  And you may think you have yourself, but have you really??  Our parents didn't have facebook, or twitter or all the things the world has to offer now, and they survived.  Yet so many people don't think they can without being connected.

Gadgets can be great tools, but all to often they become devices that steal one of the most precious and irreplaceable commodities that we are given...TIME!!!

Our children are only with us for a very short time.  And if we spend most of that time with our eyes glued to our devices, rather than on them, we are in danger of severing one of the most precious gifts God has given to us as parents, the hearts of our children!!

Amazing

Probably 6 months ago or more I decided I didn't like my kitchen table.  And I really wanted a farm table, and I asked Riley if he ever thought he could make one.  He replied yes, so I sold the table with in minutes.  Over the last several months he has done lots of thinking and planning.  I showed him many pictures of the style I liked.  Finally after several months he put his mind to it and went to work.  Within TWO short days... not long days, he only put in a few hours in those two days, he completed the table.  We sat in awe and just starred at his work.  When I clear coated it, its like it came to life.  The grains in the wood, the color was beautiful.  He has done a truly amazing job.  Its so beautiful I didn't want to let my family eat or drink at it.  Every day I look at it and am just shocked he made this.  He cant even believe it himself.  He's amazing. Makes me wonder if there is anything he cant do. My dad would've been so proud.  My dad worked with wood all

the time.  He built our home we grew up in.  He would've loved this table.  Great job Riley, you are truly amazing!!

Grace

Grace... my definition of Grace, is "Blessing".

2 years ago I was told I probably couldn't have any more children, due to early menopausal symptoms.  I cried all the way home from Saskatoon that day.  Thinking this was it. I would never have another child. 3 was all I was going to have.  I cried cause when some one tells you that you cant have kids, it hurts more.  If we were to decide we were done then so be it, but when words like that come out of someone's mouth, it stabs you in the heart.   I kept telling myself this couldn't be it, that maybe if I changed my life style, my body would get better.  And That's exactly what I did.  Quitting drinking was a huge part of it.  Alcohol was destroying my body big time.

On Nov 19th I took two pregnancy tests because I was in dis belief.  And yes, they both were positive.  I cried alone in the bathroom, thanking God for this miracle of life once again over and over and over.

Brynlee Grace was born July 6th at 7:40pm.. one hour and 40 minutes only and she entered this world.  I looked at her, and I literally was shocked.  I felt like I was living a dream once again.  I never cried because I dont think it hit me till later that night.  I looked at her long skinny fingers, her wrinkly hands that looked like a little old lady.  She cried such a gentle cry and she was beautiful.  I new right then what a blessing she was to us.  A miracle baby perhaps.  And thats when I
new 'Grace' was a perfect middle name.

I remember that evening alone in the hospital.  After Riley left.  I held her and cried and cried.  I was scared.  Scared cause here was this new little life.  Another little person I had to take care of.  What if I wasnt a good mom?  What if I couldn't handle 4?  I cried cause I wanted her so bad and now I was scared.  Scared starting over.  Scared cause she was so little and I felt like I had forgot how to care for a little baby.  I cried cause my dad wasnt here to meet her and be with us at the hospital like he was all the others.  I missed him so much in that moment.  I cried cause she was so perfect and beautiful.

Every day I look at her and thank God for her. I tell her about my dad and even though she didnt get to meet grandpa, she is going to know alot about him.  I tell her how much he wouldve loved her, and how she was his 12th grand child.  I look at her every day and watch the new little things she learns and just feel so happy and blessed.  How in such a short time they learn so many new things.  She's beautiful.  And angel truly.

 Even though dad didn't get to meet her and hold her and watch her grow physically,  I know he's watching over her every day.  In my heart,  my dad met and held her before I did.  Miss u dad!!

Where did the time go??

Yes I'm sure we can all ask one another this question time and time again.  I remember my dad always saying "life will go so quick once you have kids".  Well he wasn't kidding.

This am, I sent my 3 precious babies to school, all full time..(insert crying).  Boedy was sad... "mommy I don't want to go to school, I am going to miss you, I just want to stay home and be with you, please mommy I don't need school, I will do something else but I dont need school" as he cried to me.  Aubrie was excited, "I'm so excited for school mom I cant wait to see my friends and and see what they say about my new school shoes" lol.. oh my precious Aubrie and her style.  And Allie was nervous, "I don't want to go to school.  Why cant you home school like Aunty Ara and Charlotte??" Please mom please"..

My heart broke in pieces this am as I watched the school bus drive away. Where did the time go??  I thought of this day.  I never thought it would happen for years right.. well those years have passed and the time has come.  As I walked back into my house I wanted to reach for my phone and call my dad.  And tell him he was right.  The years went so quick.  I want the chaos back. I want three kids under 3 again, the crying, the temper tantrums, the diaper's.  I want all three back in my home, in my care, where I get to watch them all day and they only look up to mommy.  My dad told me once "you are gonna miss these years Cari", when my kids were all so small and I had many chaotic days.  And I truly do.

Boedy begged me to come to school this am cause he was scared.   He didn't know where his class room was or who his teacher was, and now he had to go in the big doors instead of the Kindergarten doors.  And Aubrie as well, new class room new teacher.  And Allie already goes in the big kid doors and cant even play on the play ground with Aubrie and Boedy, cause she's classified as a big kid.  Well I decided to wake Brynlee and go.  How many more years are my kids going to beg me to come take them to school?? Not many.  When the bus pulled up at school, I did to, and the smiles on the kids faces were so awesome to see.  I took each to there class room and let each one of them go.  Just like that.

I came home and had myself a really good cry.  Life is precious.  If only so many people could understand how precious your children truly are.  And that they do grow up so quick.  I look at my sisters kids and it shocks me how grown they are.  How once she had 4 kids under 5 and the chaos in her home, and how precious they were... and now there teenagers and growing so fast.

  Life goes by in a blink.  We have to make every day count and realize that our little babies arn't going to be babies for very long.