Success

I over heard a conversation the other day while standing in line at the grocery store and wanted to interrupt so bad but couldn't.  I was shocked, taken back a little you could say. And yes this post may even offend some of you who read it.

An older man was visiting with a younger man, obviously they hadn't seen one another in quite some time.  And the younger man was going on and on about his new house he built and the new truck he owns, and the cabin at the lake, and the boat he enjoys.  The older man than followed up with how successful the younger man is sure doing, and how glad he was for him.  He mentioned the word "success" or "successful" numerous times it was making me sick.  I wanted to interrupt so bad, and ask them both "is that truly how you measure success?"   Is it truly in what people see from the outside??  The big fancy new home, the new vehicles that have endless car payments, the boat in the garage, the holidays you go on???  I really wanted to know, because society now, sure seems that's how people are measuring there success these days, by all the material things in there life.

As I stood in line, I know both guys glanced at me more than a few times, probably because I had 4 kids with me, or could it be perhaps the number of times I repeated myself, "no Boedy you don't need a chocolate bar", "Aubrie put the Easter egg back", "Allie you don't need gum", "no, No, NO!!!"  I wanted to so stop right there in all the chaos, and say, "you want to know how I measure success??  I don't measure success by the money in our bank account, or the house we live in, or the vehicles people drive.  To me that's not successful. I measure success when I look at these 4 little monsters who rule my life.  I measure success by the moments each one of them learn something new, learn to walk, smile, read, ride a bike.  I measure success by the chaos in my house each day, and how beautiful they look when I go look at them after they have fallen asleep.  I measure success by the way they look up to me and daddy right now like we are there everything and all they ever need.  I measure success by the toys scattered through out my house, and the laundry piled high, and the dishes in the sink, and the movie nights we have, and how excited they get when we all are together as a family just watching a movie, or the family bike rides, or walks in the evening, or the soccer ball we kick around and the Frisbee we toss back and forth.   Nothing else compares to these 4 beautiful kids who have stolen my heart... no house, no money, no vehicle."

I left the grocery store, loaded the kids in the van and the grocery's.  Sat in my front seat as I watched that young guy walk to his fancy truck, get in and go.  I sat there, looking in my rear view mirror and choked up a bit.  I was proud of what I had in that vehicle with me, proud of the angels that were given to me.  And not a day goes by where I don't look at them and think about how successful Iam!!

Cheers

Today is a big deal to me.  I wondered all along how I would celebrate or what my life would be like at the one year mark.  I had no question about whether or not I would make the one year mark, yes in the beginning it was tough, but been really good since.  One year ago today, I quit drinking.  Its a huge deal for me, cause quitting drinking is extremely hard.  Especially when you like it to much.  Alcohol and me don't mix.  I cant just have one, or two or 5.  I had a bad tendency that I needed to finish the bottle and then more.  I never passed out, very seldom thru up, and did many stupid ridiculous things while drinking.  I became some one else. Acted stupid and did alot of things I regret.

When I was 21 years old I was told I had a liver of a 60 year old alcoholic.  I quit drinking then, and had 3 babies in 3 years.  I quit for 5.5 years and life was perfect.  But once I started again, and told myself, "you could just have one or two Cari", it went right back down hill again in a hurry.  Lets just say after I lost my dad, my life crumbled.  I hid my pain, and drank my pain away.  With every drink I had I forgot about the pain of my dad, or didn't think about every day life issues.  I figured after dad died what's the point in life.  Forgetting I had a husband who loved me and 3 kids who needed me.  I began drinking ridiculous amounts because I could.  One summer day I finished an entire 66 of rum, yes you heard me.  Never passed out, never puked, and proceeded to drive myself home late that evening with my kids on board.  I did alot of regretful things. I caused alot of pain to people, to myself, to my husband, my family.  And worst of all, I never dreamt I'd quit drinking, I just figured one of the times I drank the amount I did, maybe that would be the end of me.

A year ago today, I made the choice to quit drinking because of several reasons.  I know even though my dad was gone he knew what I was doing.  It almost ruined my marriage,  for my health, my kids, my life in general.  It was a tough battle.  I had sugar cravings because of the sugar in the alcohol. I suffered head aches for days. I felt the need to still drink many different flavours of drinks trying anything to get that rush from drinking, that feeling when your drink a stiff one and you can feel it go right to your toes.  I fought a good fight.  I had to re build my marriage, my trust.  I had a few friends that fought it out with me.  Who were there for me when I had the need of a drink and I would call them and say "help me please"!!

Its going to be a struggle my entire life yes I know that.  But all I can do is take it day by day.  I cant say I'm quitting for the rest of my life, all I can say is "I made it another day".  If you have ever suffered any sort of addiction in your life, you will understand me.  Alcohol is tough.  Because it is every where, and everyone offers you a drink all the time.  I don't want to be judged because I don't drink and you do.  That's your life, not mine and it doesn't bother me if you drink, you can obviously handle it and I cant.  This is just my choice.  A choice I made for me, for my health, my life, my marriage my kids.  I will fight this battle till I leave this earth I know that, but I also know this Id rather fight the battle then lose the battle.  I can do this, I am going to do this.  I tell myself daily "I don't need alcohol".  All it does is ruin lives, family's, marriages, so many things.

So today I will celebrate.  Even if its toasting with my kids the day before in the hospital with hospital cups of water,  saying out load "Cheers guys.  Mommy did it"!!!

Juggling 4

Well after 4 days of battling a high fever, not eating nor drinking, and a terrible cough to top it off, I caved and took my boy to the hospital.  Caved meaning: if you know me I am anti-antibiotics. But in some cases I understand you need them.  He has Bronchitis.  Something he has had a few times now.  So he is on medicine.  And already doing much better.  Watching him lay there red hot on the couch for days was painful, yet I enjoyed the quietness of him..(is that bad to say??)

Life is busy these days I tell ya.  I think it was my mom that said she has never ever heard me say before "I'm running late".  Cause I am always on time or early.  Well juggling four kids, I'm finding how busy life is.  Nursing a new born ties you down, but I'm glad my kids are some what patient with it, and when there waiting to head out the door, I am always nursing last minute so I don't have to feed her some where in public. And when its past supper time and I'm nursing her, they are some what patient asking, "when is supper?" And when they want mommy to play with them and I'm nursing, there some what patient to wait till I'm done.   Lets just say I've had a few nights now where we ate supper at 6:30 or 7, and that is soo not me.  We r always eating by 5:30. And when she naps I find myself trying to divide my time with the other 3 to make sure they all feel like there getting my attention.  But everyone is adjusting well, even me to the sleepless nights and the every 3 hour feeding's.  She sits me down, and I get to look at her and enjoy her, and thank God for yet another miracle he has given us.  She is perfect, I love her to death.  These days she is growing so fast, almost to fast for my liking.  She smiles, she noticed her hands and sucks them, and also noticed her tongue and sticks it out lots.  She is so strong already.  She is wonderful.

But all in all, yes it is long days that's for sure juggling 4, but all I can say is I couldn't be happier than I am today.

5 years..

Wow, I decided to do a search for my old blog and was surprised to see it was still available.  I had some good laughs at some of my posts from almost 5 years ago.  Crazy to think what life was like then, and how much its changed since.  

I decided to write again.  I love writing always have, that's the one thing I liked about Facebook, writing my status updates and sharing the funny things my kids did.  But I've recently decided to go off facebook, due to life challenges, and the negativeness of it, and I can sure say I don't miss it.  And I challenge all of you who spend alot of time on it, to get off it yourself to see how different life is.

Wow 5 years things have changed.  We have left Regina, we live on a farm now. I lost my dad a few years back, my Mom now lives in Wadena, and we have recently added a new addition to the family.  Brynlee Grace.

Im going to do my best to be on top of blogging once again, and the craziness of my every day life.  One day I will look back upon this when my kids are all grown and wish I had these days back :)  So here's to a new chapter...