My Heart Aches

My heart aches.. for every time I complain I'm tired and she can't.  My heart breaks for everytime I need a break and she just wants to hold him. My heart aches for the many times I wanna throw in the towel and she wishes she had chaos again. My heart breaks as I watch my babies do new things each day and enjoy there laughs and she will never get to experience that with him. My heart aches for the pain.. the guilt she is going thru.. the blame the shame.. the whys .. the un answered questions.. my heart aches as I get to hold mine cause he's crying and wants to be snuggled and she never gets to snuggle him. My heart breaks for her weary heart.. for the sadness she will feel and the many tears she will shed.   My heart aches for her suffering.. her agony.. her loss. My heart breaks for her memory which will replay that day and that moment over and over and over again.. wondering what happened what she could've changed. . My heart aches for her as she longs to hold him and she never will again.. my heart breaks for the smiles I get every day and she will no longer see his smiles.  My heart breaks for her heart. Because I can just imagine how so very broken she must be.  

I held my babies today.. so tightly. Not even being able to imagine what it would be like if I couldn't.  I cried so hard.. so hard for her. For her pain cause she couldn't feel his touch anymore. I cried for all of her pain she was going through. 

I dont understand tragedy some days.

 I get angry and dont understand why someone has to go through this.  The pain she will forever feel. He's gone .. gone from her.. just like that.. gone for ever.  And even though he's in heaven it still makes it sooo hard.  Rip sweet baby boy.

Kids

I will never forget the doctor who told me I probably couldn't have children at 22 yrs old.  Because I was diagnosed with PCOS which causes irregular monthly cycles and little to no chance of kids.  At the time I don't recall how I felt but I no I didn't think much of kids then.  I was never one of those people who grew up and dreamed of being a mom.  I didn't think much about children. I enjoyed them but didn't long to be a mother.

At 32 yrs of age.. I once again was told by another doctor I couldn't have anymore children cause my body had gone into menopause.

I didn't wanna grow up and be a mom.  I didn't wanna grow up and be a mom to 6 children.  I remember how angry I was at God cause he blessed me with these 6 beautiful children and I didn't think I could do this.  I was angry cause so many woman out there don't get the chance to have one and he gave me 6. Why me??  Many days when I'm weary I don't feel capable of this job and still get angry as why he chose me cause I didn't think this was best for me. 

September 20th as I layed in the hospital many thoughts ran thru my head. Even though I had 6 children it still hurt me knowing I'd never ever again carry another baby.. this was it.. never would I feel there first movements and the many kicks .. never would I enjoy the miracle of bringing a baby into this world ever again. . it hurt but I knew what was best for me.

Tonight as I end my night.. completely exhausted because of the day.. I tucked each of my children in and as I hugged them each before bed I squeezed a little harder and enjoyed the moment a little longer.   

Most days I feel rushed and I long for bed time that I tuck them in and hurry away just so I can have quiet to myself.  I miss those precious moments at bed when they each talk to me and tell me about there life.   Tonight I once again enjoyed that moment. 

Tonigh I think about each of my 6 children.  I still can't believe it when I say 6. Funny is it hasn't hit me yet. I think of all the memories we have had these past 10 yrs and I wish my brain could remember even half of them.  I long for moments when Allie was a baby again and yet some days I long for her to grow up so I can see the beautiful woman she will be.  I long for moments with Aubrie and her sweet tiny voice when  she was little and each day I love watching her grow into this amazing girl with a huge heart.  I remember my sweet boedy and how all he did was smile and how he continues to smile even when u are disciplining him.  How he is such a hard worker and one day with make a great husband. And brynlee .. her inosense. . Her zest for life. How it makes me stop and enjoy the moment instead of being rushed with life. 

And the twins.. wow who ever thought I'd be blessed with twins.  They have made life sure change but they are truly wonderful happy little boys. 

So as I sit here tonight.. tired after a long day, I thank God for what he has done in my life and for giving me these 6 beautiful children.  Cause obviously he knew what was best for me and he new all along I was going to become a mother to 6 children. 

Here's to a new day

To the weary mom's that can relate. The stay at home mom's who have done this your entire motherhood. I feel for you each and every day.  I'm tired.. I'm weary.. 

This has been the hardest 6 months of my life  I will admit that.  God is truly testing us.  It's been hard on our marriage. I'm tired most days and I'm guessing the members of my family don't see that or see why.

I'm tired of changing diapers.. I'm tired of washing poop out of panties. I'm tired of being puked on and I'm tired of the tantrums and the crying. I'm tired of the terrible 2 year old stage.. I'm tired of bottle feeding and the constant schedule to make my life happen.. 

I feel like most days I do the same thing over and over and over. And I get tired of the same thing. Laundry has been awful these past 6 months. The house always a mess. Every where I turn is a mess. I feel like I never get to sit down and have a break.. between dealing with babies all day.. a 2 yr old on top of it.  I've cried many days.. I've lost my cool. . I've lost my patience. . I've hated mother hood.. I've hated my house.. my husband my kids.. I've wanted to drive away with no where to go and never come back.. I've prayed to God many days asking for help.. for strength. . For patience.. 

I admit I'm not perfect. I admit I struggle with motherhood and being a good wife.. cause I no I haven't had time to even be a wife these past 6 months. . He tries to hug and kiss and hold me but I'm to busy I just push him away.

I cried today a real hard cry.. I wanted to escape motherhood. I was angry at God for giving me all these Children.   I cried hard cause I'm so weary and frustrated and tired .. and all I could hear was my dad's voice saying softly "Cari, your gonna miss this.   It's going to fly by so quick.. just do your best and enjoy this life"!

So I wiped my tears and told myself I can do this! ! Here's to a new day☺

I'm Sorry

I’m sorry.

To the man I fell in love with in the days when I had no worries, to my six beautiful darlings who make everything brighter, to my mom who keeps everything going with her endless support, and to friends who I’ve been rubbish to for too long: I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for shouting.

I’m sorry for snapping.

I’m sorry for being grumpy.

I’m sorry for not being much fun these days. But right now, she’s lost. She’s lost to the mum who is tired and worried and over worked. She is lost to the mum who just wants a break some days. She is lost to the mum who is still messing stuff up when it matters.

I’m sorry for crying.

I’m sorry for not seeing the brighter side.

I’m sorry for rarely laughing. 

I'm sorry for rarely talking to you or keeping our friendship up.

I'm sorry if I didn't smile at you at the grocery store or wave at you as u met me.

Sometimes, after changing the millionth diaper and being up all night worried sick about a child; sometimes, after running out of Tylenol and forgetting a doctor’s appointment; sometimes, after not being able to convince your toddler to eat anything or you've tended to all day babies with no breaks, sometimes, after answering the why question 1700 times in a day while you still have a headache – sometimes it’s hard to see the funny side and it’s hard to see things rationally.

I don’t want to make excuses for all of this. My oldest is 10 and my youngest are twins who are 6 months..  I’m probably not even a ‘new mum’ anymore. But I am a mum of six children who still has no idea what she is doing. I’m still learning this thing that is motherhood. I’m still navigating the maze of parenting. I’m still getting it really wrong, all the time. Between dealing with the older ones and school and friends and life.. and the younger ones and diapers and bottles, potty training, tantrums,  no naps, and the crying!!

I don’t want to make excuses. But along with my apology, I want you to know that this sleep-deprived, distracted, forgetful, impatient and snappy woman you now see before you isn’t the woman I thought I would be.

I wish I was still that woman who made you smile because she tried to be entertaining. I wish I was still that woman who didn’t care about the consequences – fun came first. I wish I was still that woman who you laughed with like nothing else in the world mattered but your silly joke. I wish I was still that woman who had the confidence to believe in herself and simply accept that everything would work out. I wish I was still that woman who had the energy and patience and creativity to make life more fun.

Maybe, one day, I’ll find her again.

Please, bear with me, smile at me, still try to make me laugh. I don’t know if I deserve that, but just stay with me a while.

That other woman will be back one day..