I'm Sorry

I’m sorry.

To the man I fell in love with in the days when I had no worries, to my six beautiful darlings who make everything brighter, to my mom who keeps everything going with her endless support, and to friends who I’ve been rubbish to for too long: I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for shouting.

I’m sorry for snapping.

I’m sorry for being grumpy.

I’m sorry for not being much fun these days. But right now, she’s lost. She’s lost to the mum who is tired and worried and over worked. She is lost to the mum who just wants a break some days. She is lost to the mum who is still messing stuff up when it matters.

I’m sorry for crying.

I’m sorry for not seeing the brighter side.

I’m sorry for rarely laughing. 

I'm sorry for rarely talking to you or keeping our friendship up.

I'm sorry if I didn't smile at you at the grocery store or wave at you as u met me.

Sometimes, after changing the millionth diaper and being up all night worried sick about a child; sometimes, after running out of Tylenol and forgetting a doctor’s appointment; sometimes, after not being able to convince your toddler to eat anything or you've tended to all day babies with no breaks, sometimes, after answering the why question 1700 times in a day while you still have a headache – sometimes it’s hard to see the funny side and it’s hard to see things rationally.

I don’t want to make excuses for all of this. My oldest is 10 and my youngest are twins who are 6 months..  I’m probably not even a ‘new mum’ anymore. But I am a mum of six children who still has no idea what she is doing. I’m still learning this thing that is motherhood. I’m still navigating the maze of parenting. I’m still getting it really wrong, all the time. Between dealing with the older ones and school and friends and life.. and the younger ones and diapers and bottles, potty training, tantrums,  no naps, and the crying!!

I don’t want to make excuses. But along with my apology, I want you to know that this sleep-deprived, distracted, forgetful, impatient and snappy woman you now see before you isn’t the woman I thought I would be.

I wish I was still that woman who made you smile because she tried to be entertaining. I wish I was still that woman who didn’t care about the consequences – fun came first. I wish I was still that woman who you laughed with like nothing else in the world mattered but your silly joke. I wish I was still that woman who had the confidence to believe in herself and simply accept that everything would work out. I wish I was still that woman who had the energy and patience and creativity to make life more fun.

Maybe, one day, I’ll find her again.

Please, bear with me, smile at me, still try to make me laugh. I don’t know if I deserve that, but just stay with me a while.

That other woman will be back one day..