Kids

I will never forget the doctor who told me I probably couldn't have children at 22 yrs old.  Because I was diagnosed with PCOS which causes irregular monthly cycles and little to no chance of kids.  At the time I don't recall how I felt but I no I didn't think much of kids then.  I was never one of those people who grew up and dreamed of being a mom.  I didn't think much about children. I enjoyed them but didn't long to be a mother.

At 32 yrs of age.. I once again was told by another doctor I couldn't have anymore children cause my body had gone into menopause.

I didn't wanna grow up and be a mom.  I didn't wanna grow up and be a mom to 6 children.  I remember how angry I was at God cause he blessed me with these 6 beautiful children and I didn't think I could do this.  I was angry cause so many woman out there don't get the chance to have one and he gave me 6. Why me??  Many days when I'm weary I don't feel capable of this job and still get angry as why he chose me cause I didn't think this was best for me. 

September 20th as I layed in the hospital many thoughts ran thru my head. Even though I had 6 children it still hurt me knowing I'd never ever again carry another baby.. this was it.. never would I feel there first movements and the many kicks .. never would I enjoy the miracle of bringing a baby into this world ever again. . it hurt but I knew what was best for me.

Tonight as I end my night.. completely exhausted because of the day.. I tucked each of my children in and as I hugged them each before bed I squeezed a little harder and enjoyed the moment a little longer.   

Most days I feel rushed and I long for bed time that I tuck them in and hurry away just so I can have quiet to myself.  I miss those precious moments at bed when they each talk to me and tell me about there life.   Tonight I once again enjoyed that moment. 

Tonigh I think about each of my 6 children.  I still can't believe it when I say 6. Funny is it hasn't hit me yet. I think of all the memories we have had these past 10 yrs and I wish my brain could remember even half of them.  I long for moments when Allie was a baby again and yet some days I long for her to grow up so I can see the beautiful woman she will be.  I long for moments with Aubrie and her sweet tiny voice when  she was little and each day I love watching her grow into this amazing girl with a huge heart.  I remember my sweet boedy and how all he did was smile and how he continues to smile even when u are disciplining him.  How he is such a hard worker and one day with make a great husband. And brynlee .. her inosense. . Her zest for life. How it makes me stop and enjoy the moment instead of being rushed with life. 

And the twins.. wow who ever thought I'd be blessed with twins.  They have made life sure change but they are truly wonderful happy little boys. 

So as I sit here tonight.. tired after a long day, I thank God for what he has done in my life and for giving me these 6 beautiful children.  Cause obviously he knew what was best for me and he new all along I was going to become a mother to 6 children.