My Heart Aches

My heart aches.. for every time I complain I'm tired and she can't.  My heart breaks for everytime I need a break and she just wants to hold him. My heart aches for the many times I wanna throw in the towel and she wishes she had chaos again. My heart breaks as I watch my babies do new things each day and enjoy there laughs and she will never get to experience that with him. My heart aches for the pain.. the guilt she is going thru.. the blame the shame.. the whys .. the un answered questions.. my heart aches as I get to hold mine cause he's crying and wants to be snuggled and she never gets to snuggle him. My heart breaks for her weary heart.. for the sadness she will feel and the many tears she will shed.   My heart aches for her suffering.. her agony.. her loss. My heart breaks for her memory which will replay that day and that moment over and over and over again.. wondering what happened what she could've changed. . My heart aches for her as she longs to hold him and she never will again.. my heart breaks for the smiles I get every day and she will no longer see his smiles.  My heart breaks for her heart. Because I can just imagine how so very broken she must be.  

I held my babies today.. so tightly. Not even being able to imagine what it would be like if I couldn't.  I cried so hard.. so hard for her. For her pain cause she couldn't feel his touch anymore. I cried for all of her pain she was going through. 

I dont understand tragedy some days.

 I get angry and dont understand why someone has to go through this.  The pain she will forever feel. He's gone .. gone from her.. just like that.. gone for ever.  And even though he's in heaven it still makes it sooo hard.  Rip sweet baby boy.

Kids

I will never forget the doctor who told me I probably couldn't have children at 22 yrs old.  Because I was diagnosed with PCOS which causes irregular monthly cycles and little to no chance of kids.  At the time I don't recall how I felt but I no I didn't think much of kids then.  I was never one of those people who grew up and dreamed of being a mom.  I didn't think much about children. I enjoyed them but didn't long to be a mother.

At 32 yrs of age.. I once again was told by another doctor I couldn't have anymore children cause my body had gone into menopause.

I didn't wanna grow up and be a mom.  I didn't wanna grow up and be a mom to 6 children.  I remember how angry I was at God cause he blessed me with these 6 beautiful children and I didn't think I could do this.  I was angry cause so many woman out there don't get the chance to have one and he gave me 6. Why me??  Many days when I'm weary I don't feel capable of this job and still get angry as why he chose me cause I didn't think this was best for me. 

September 20th as I layed in the hospital many thoughts ran thru my head. Even though I had 6 children it still hurt me knowing I'd never ever again carry another baby.. this was it.. never would I feel there first movements and the many kicks .. never would I enjoy the miracle of bringing a baby into this world ever again. . it hurt but I knew what was best for me.

Tonight as I end my night.. completely exhausted because of the day.. I tucked each of my children in and as I hugged them each before bed I squeezed a little harder and enjoyed the moment a little longer.   

Most days I feel rushed and I long for bed time that I tuck them in and hurry away just so I can have quiet to myself.  I miss those precious moments at bed when they each talk to me and tell me about there life.   Tonight I once again enjoyed that moment. 

Tonigh I think about each of my 6 children.  I still can't believe it when I say 6. Funny is it hasn't hit me yet. I think of all the memories we have had these past 10 yrs and I wish my brain could remember even half of them.  I long for moments when Allie was a baby again and yet some days I long for her to grow up so I can see the beautiful woman she will be.  I long for moments with Aubrie and her sweet tiny voice when  she was little and each day I love watching her grow into this amazing girl with a huge heart.  I remember my sweet boedy and how all he did was smile and how he continues to smile even when u are disciplining him.  How he is such a hard worker and one day with make a great husband. And brynlee .. her inosense. . Her zest for life. How it makes me stop and enjoy the moment instead of being rushed with life. 

And the twins.. wow who ever thought I'd be blessed with twins.  They have made life sure change but they are truly wonderful happy little boys. 

So as I sit here tonight.. tired after a long day, I thank God for what he has done in my life and for giving me these 6 beautiful children.  Cause obviously he knew what was best for me and he new all along I was going to become a mother to 6 children. 

Here's to a new day

To the weary mom's that can relate. The stay at home mom's who have done this your entire motherhood. I feel for you each and every day.  I'm tired.. I'm weary.. 

This has been the hardest 6 months of my life  I will admit that.  God is truly testing us.  It's been hard on our marriage. I'm tired most days and I'm guessing the members of my family don't see that or see why.

I'm tired of changing diapers.. I'm tired of washing poop out of panties. I'm tired of being puked on and I'm tired of the tantrums and the crying. I'm tired of the terrible 2 year old stage.. I'm tired of bottle feeding and the constant schedule to make my life happen.. 

I feel like most days I do the same thing over and over and over. And I get tired of the same thing. Laundry has been awful these past 6 months. The house always a mess. Every where I turn is a mess. I feel like I never get to sit down and have a break.. between dealing with babies all day.. a 2 yr old on top of it.  I've cried many days.. I've lost my cool. . I've lost my patience. . I've hated mother hood.. I've hated my house.. my husband my kids.. I've wanted to drive away with no where to go and never come back.. I've prayed to God many days asking for help.. for strength. . For patience.. 

I admit I'm not perfect. I admit I struggle with motherhood and being a good wife.. cause I no I haven't had time to even be a wife these past 6 months. . He tries to hug and kiss and hold me but I'm to busy I just push him away.

I cried today a real hard cry.. I wanted to escape motherhood. I was angry at God for giving me all these Children.   I cried hard cause I'm so weary and frustrated and tired .. and all I could hear was my dad's voice saying softly "Cari, your gonna miss this.   It's going to fly by so quick.. just do your best and enjoy this life"!

So I wiped my tears and told myself I can do this! ! Here's to a new day☺

I'm Sorry

I’m sorry.

To the man I fell in love with in the days when I had no worries, to my six beautiful darlings who make everything brighter, to my mom who keeps everything going with her endless support, and to friends who I’ve been rubbish to for too long: I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for shouting.

I’m sorry for snapping.

I’m sorry for being grumpy.

I’m sorry for not being much fun these days. But right now, she’s lost. She’s lost to the mum who is tired and worried and over worked. She is lost to the mum who just wants a break some days. She is lost to the mum who is still messing stuff up when it matters.

I’m sorry for crying.

I’m sorry for not seeing the brighter side.

I’m sorry for rarely laughing. 

I'm sorry for rarely talking to you or keeping our friendship up.

I'm sorry if I didn't smile at you at the grocery store or wave at you as u met me.

Sometimes, after changing the millionth diaper and being up all night worried sick about a child; sometimes, after running out of Tylenol and forgetting a doctor’s appointment; sometimes, after not being able to convince your toddler to eat anything or you've tended to all day babies with no breaks, sometimes, after answering the why question 1700 times in a day while you still have a headache – sometimes it’s hard to see the funny side and it’s hard to see things rationally.

I don’t want to make excuses for all of this. My oldest is 10 and my youngest are twins who are 6 months..  I’m probably not even a ‘new mum’ anymore. But I am a mum of six children who still has no idea what she is doing. I’m still learning this thing that is motherhood. I’m still navigating the maze of parenting. I’m still getting it really wrong, all the time. Between dealing with the older ones and school and friends and life.. and the younger ones and diapers and bottles, potty training, tantrums,  no naps, and the crying!!

I don’t want to make excuses. But along with my apology, I want you to know that this sleep-deprived, distracted, forgetful, impatient and snappy woman you now see before you isn’t the woman I thought I would be.

I wish I was still that woman who made you smile because she tried to be entertaining. I wish I was still that woman who didn’t care about the consequences – fun came first. I wish I was still that woman who you laughed with like nothing else in the world mattered but your silly joke. I wish I was still that woman who had the confidence to believe in herself and simply accept that everything would work out. I wish I was still that woman who had the energy and patience and creativity to make life more fun.

Maybe, one day, I’ll find her again.

Please, bear with me, smile at me, still try to make me laugh. I don’t know if I deserve that, but just stay with me a while.

That other woman will be back one day..

My kids

Sometimes do you ever just stare at your kids?? Like almost creepy mom stare?? I do.  I watch my kids alot.  I look at them and cant believe how much they are changing daily.  I look at there hair color and there faces, there teeth, there smiles, all of them.  I examine them and cant believe they are apart of me and Riley.  I look at them when they watch TV and watch there facial expressions, or when there talking amongst one another.  I watch the little things they do and it makes me smile.  I even watch them as they fight and try and let them resolve what they are arguing about instead of me all the time.  I didnt know I could love another as much as I love Riley.  I didnt think it was possible to love as much as I do for each of My Kids.  Its an amazing feeling.

Over the past few weeks we finally started a new tradition in the family.  I got it from my sister and always loved the idea, just was waiting for the right moment to start it.  We have one child stay up an extra hour Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday.  The other kids go to bed and we get too spend quality time with the one that's left up.  Brynlee is usually fast asleep as well so its been great.  We ask each kid what they want to do, craft, bake, whatever they want.  Then we sit and talk, play questionnaire games to get to know them better, and we have alot of fun.  I can see how much each child LOVES the one on one time.  It amazes me how different they act when its just them.  So much more grown up.  I love every moment of it, I almost find myself looking forward to the evening myself evening if Ive had a long day and am tired.  And each child is soo excited for there night, and what mommy has planned.

Tonight is Allies night :)

Allie

She came from school and you could tell something was not quite right.  I asked her how her day was and she didn't say much.  So I let it go.  Continued on and made supper.  Finally she came back to me after a while and asked "mom have you ever done something you felt evr bad about?" I said "of course probably quite a few things".  Then I new something happened and she was wanting to tell me she just didnt know how.  I asked her "what happened today? Its okay you can tell me?"  She then opened up.  She said "in gym class we were playing dodge ball and I hit Mary with the ball and yelled 'Mary your off" and she she didn't listen so I yelled it again and again ever louder.  She ran to the bench and started crying.  Then after gym class she called her mom and went home".  Oh my I didnt know what to reply.  I let Allie think about what she just told me for a few more minutes.  "Well the best thing for you to do Allie, is pick up the phone right now, call Mary and apoligize and ask for her forgiveness".  She didnt even hesitate and agreed.

I picked up the phone called there house and asked for Mary.  Alie got on the phone, "Mary this is Allie, Iam very sorry about what happened in gym class will you please forgive me?"  I was sooo proud of her.  SO proud that she felt hurt by what she did and so proud she was making it better for herself.  She got off the phone and her mood changed instantly.  She was much happier cause her heart wasnt being pulled and tugged on.  I hugged her tight and told her it takes a bigger person to do what you did.  I hope she learnt a lesson from that.  I know her heart is very caring and soft and she will know better next time :)

Proud

Im proud of my girls this past week.  Some days you wonder if anything you teach your children every sinks in, are they ever listening or hearing you blab on.  And you hope they make good choices when you arn't around, and think of the times you tried to teach them proper values in life.  When I ship my kids on the bus every morning, you usually find me shouting as they walk to the bus, "have a great day, I love you, treat people the way you want to be treated, don't take nothing that isn't yours, be confident, play with the one who is alone cause one day that could be you, stick up for the one who's getting bullied cause one day that could be you". Many of those kind of phrases.  I hope they listen, for all I know its going in one ear and out the next.  And Ive only recently added "don't take nothing that isn't yours", just this past week due to what happened.

I notice alot around my house.  I think probably most mom's do.  I notice when things are out of place, or its a complete mess, or when the kids r missing something its usually me that knows where it is.  Well this past week I noticed Aubrie playing with some things that I have never seen before.  So I simply asked her "Aubrie who's are those toys?" Well the look on her face pretty much said it all.  I then asked her again and again, till she finally told me she took them from school.  I asked her if I didn't notice would she have returned them and she said no.  I was very upset but kept my cool cause she knew she was in trouble and her tears started to flow.  I began to explain how wrong it was that she took those, how it was stealing, how she would feel if someone came here and took her things what she would feel.  I also explained how stealing can lead to prison if it gets that far.  I explained how some times you steal and you get away with it, so you steal again cause its easy and no one notices or sees you.  But one day you will get caught.  I told her about an incident I myself was in with a friend, who stole from Walmart, and as we left the store she handed to me what she had stolen, I was so shocked she did that. Then all of a sudden we were getting arrested by police hand cuffed and walked to the back of the store.  I tried explaining over and over how it wasn't me it was her, and my friend wouldn't even own up.  It didn't matter, she handed me the items and I was now part of it all.

  She cried pretty much the entire evening.  And for how much I wanted to hold her and tell her its going to be ok, I needed her to think about what she did.  I told her we would be returning the items together at school the next day and talking to both the teachers she took stuff from.  She was very scared.

I walked into the school the next day, confident in what I was doing.  Hoping that this would really show Aubrie that what she did was wrong.  I knew when she saw me she was going to crumble so I waited till the recess bell rang and met her in her classroom.  She went white when she saw me, came over and held my hand.  I asked her teacher if I could speak to him and Aubrie after the kids went outside.  I also grabbed the other teacher as she was walking by.  The kids all left, and there the 4 of us stood.  Teachers looking at me like "what's going on".  I cracked.  Aubrie started crying and so did I.  It was pulling at my heart strings so much but I couldn't turn back now.  I said "I noticed yesterday Aubrie playing with some toys that didn't belong to her, and belonged to each of your class rooms.  I explained to her what she has done is wrong and we are here to be honest and own up to this mistake", I was choked up the whole time.  I felt so bad for her, but I knew this had to be done.  The teachers both explained how happy they were that Aubrie was honest and how we learn from our mistakes, and how happy they were that us as parents chose to be honest as well. Aubrie then said "Im sorry for stealing, I promise I wont do it again."

I left the school, soo soo proud of her.  Yet she made a huge mistake she was brave enough to own up to it and tell the teachers.  Many kids wouldn't, but she did.  I left the school hoping that that would stick with her for along time, and she would realize that stealing is not good, and never do it again.

And as for Allie, she made a huge step this past week to.....

Chaos

Its been a great week it truly has.  This blog isn't about me complaining its just about my life :)

I can honestly say I sat down about 12 times to write this, and its taken that long because Iam always interrupted.  I also can honestly say I just had my first 2 minute shower this week, ya eww gross hey.  Scrub as fast as you can cause I can hear her waking up ahhh.  I swear my brain is frazzled and foggy and forgetful.  SO if I forget to send u a text or reply or this or that its because my life is usually complete chaos.  I think having 3 kids in three years was easier than this huge gap and going back to it all.  Trust me I love Brynlee to death, I look at her everyday and my heart melts all over again.  She's prefect, wonderful, more than I could've asked for, its just been crazy busy.

All week Riley has said "don't do laundry cause we are almost out of water."  So you can imagine the pile I have down my hall way and in my laundry room.  Im starting to get claustrophobic cause its building so high.  I think he's forgotten yet I remind him every night, except he's having a crazy week himself, with work and building race tracks for an event this weekend, so his brain is just as foggy, so I cant blame him.  I can drive the water truck, but only have done it once, and don't want to wreck it.

Ive been searching for my nursing bras all week and Im sure there at the bottom of the pile of dirty clothes.  Oh how I wish I could find them...and my room, it stinks, and I finally found a pee diaper under my bed.  Yuck!!

And the kids, they start there day crazy.  Its usually me shouting "do this do that, put socks on, brush your teeth, fill your water bottle, boedy get dressed, quit playing with your toys you gotta catch the bus, eat hurry, jackets shoes, lets go hurry hurry, lets do your hair girls, lunch's grab them, you all have your books, hurry bus is coming".. out the door.. Then they come home with so much to say and tell and homework, and chaos and more chaos.  I try and keep up with them all and feel bad if one feels left out and walks away or to there room.  I feel like there is not enough of me to go around.  Im tired to, my job is not ending ever, and I don't know if any of them realize that... uggh!!

I barely eat during the day cause I don't feel I have time to sit down and eat, its usually shoving something in as Im walking by.  Id love to sit for supper but most suppers are chaos, Riley barely is home for them, and usually someone doesn't want to eat so I spend time MAKING them eat, by then my supper is cold, blah!!  I like warm food(don't we all) !!

And Zumba, Ive been preparing Zumba for the kids every Friday at the church, and oh how excited Iam but u think I can squeeze another thing into my life.  So between all of that Ive been dancing up a storm.  Brynlee fell asleep this morning to a song, it was cute..sitting in her bumboo chair..head hanging low.  Her napping has been 20 minutes through the day, and my, you sure don't get much done.  I think I spent 20 minutes one day killing flies.  As I write this one is landing on my head..stupid flies!!!

AND by bed time, like 11, Iam exhausted.  I never use to hit the bed and be out in 30 seconds.  Well Iam these days. Gotta run...

Beer and Cigarettes

Its been a long week.  I feel like life isn't slowing down, only getting busier every day.  I don't know where the time goes any more, probably cause when you have kids it just flies by.  This week has been building and I have been crumbling daily.  I'm sure most people think when I ship my three kids on the bus life is a breeze, I have one baby, how hard can that be.  Well between short naps, and 2-3 hour feedings the day just flies by.  I don't seem to get much done.   And when 4:00 strikes the house is chaos.  Well this past week its been building.  Between fighting, kids talking back, kids crying, laundry piling up higher each day, the kitchen a disaster, every corner things piling up, I was trying hard to keep my cool.  Lets just say I was ready to drink the entire bottle of peace and calming, for anyone who knows about essential oils.

Today after school was my final straw.  Kids came home as they always do, running into the house all with a ton to say, and if you interrupt Aubrie well look out cause she hates that, so the tears start coming from her.  Then Boedy tells me something that obviously Aubrie wanted to so she scratches him and he's crying now.   Brynlee starts crying cause she's hungry and Allie is singing opera constantly.  This continues for the next hour.  I feed Brynlee, but the fighting does not stop.  The opera singing continues and its starting to send me for loop.  Boedy see's supper and right away is upset and starts to complain cause its disgusting (chicken broccoli rice)  the girls want to say eww but they see the look on my face.  Time passes more Boedy is now crying at the table cause he doesn't want to eat supper but yet wants ice cream, Allie is still singing opera downstairs, I send Boedy down to his room cause I cant take the crying, he goes down, something happens Aubrie scratches him again, he's crying more, Allie snaps at me, and Brynlee now crying cause she's so tired and wants to nap.  I text Riley and couldnt get ahold of him, I said "please bring me beer and cigarettes"!!!!  I put Brynlee in her room, grab the monitor and left.  I broke down crying.  Asking "y?? y cant I handle this, why does it feel like there all against me and I'm alone?? WHY? WHY??"  I walk half way down our driveway and I see Riley coming in a distance.  He meets me, still hasn't received my text I sent, he sees me crying and knows something is up.  He gets out of the car, hands me a card he bought me about how proud he is of me and being a mom is so hard and he's so thankful for me each day.  He then hands me M&M's and Chips... seriously he read my mind I will tell ya!!!  That's my beer and cigarettes.

Aubrie

I had the pleasure this week to spend a day with my sweet Aubrie.  She was home sick with a bad cold.  I love my aubie!!  She is special, unique and different in so many good ways!!  She's her own person and I love that about her.  I love her style, how she is proud of all she does.  I love how she crafts and creates such wonderful little things.  I love how she's growing into her own, she's changing so much daily.

She was home one day with a bad cold this week.  I no she enjoyed the one on one attention the entire day.  She enjoyed being able to spend lots of time with Brynlee as well.  She reminds me so much of Brynlee.  I actually call Brynlee Aubrie lots!    Needless to say she talked my ear off the entire day and I really enjoyed it.  She thinks of such amazing things.

Aubrie was born 17 months after Allie, and 18 months before Boedy.  My little firecracker!!  We always thought she reminded up so much of my Nanny, (my mom's mom) her actions and the way she walked and talked!!  Her voice was so tiny and she could talk your ear off.  He hair didn't grow till she was past 3.  She went through many stages of things she loved.  She loved Cars, the movie.  Dressed all Lightning Mcqueen often, including


hat and slippers and clothes.  She had her own imagination always and that was that.  She lived in Boedy's snow suit one year, I finally had to hide the thing because people were looking at my little girl dressed in a snow suit while it was 30 above outside.

Aubrie always has had a feisty attitude when her siblings make her mad.  Or if she's woken up tired, look out.  She has got great determination when she wants to do something.   But she always has had such a caring and loving side.  When she gets something she always wants to share even if Allie never has shared with her.  She told me the other day how in gym class these kids wanted her ball so she gave it to them knowing they were sad and she would make them feel  better.

I love her to pieces.  I try hard many days to have moments with her cause I always feel she was the middle child and didn't have much time with mommy.  Lets just say I sure enjoyed her sick day at home :)

Grateful

"You are the worst meanest mom ever" Boedy yelled as he ran to his bedroom.  Not the words I exactly wanted to hear to start my day.  Barely awake trying to get things rolling and here is Boedy in the kitchen trying to open my 12 pack of batteries I just purchased, to fill his remote control car and the remote.  12 whole batteries the thing takes, and you think I wanted to spare my freshly bought 12 pack for his remote control car only for him to leave it on and the batteries die??? NO!!!!  So I said "no sorry you arnt getting these batteries", and he tried and tried, till he finally got mad and ran to his room yelling those words at me.  I looked over at Allie, and thought "gee look what you taught him", and she knew exactly what I was thinking.  I don't think ever in my life did I say those words to my mother.  Im sure I may have thought them once or twice, but they didnt come out of my mouth.  I was sad, no mom wants to hear that, and yes I admit ive heard it more than once.  I spoke to Boedy and the girls that they are never to say those words to me again.  I was hurt.

The day continued to be a fail if you could say the least.  I kept telling myself to keep trucking and not let it win me into a bad day.  I had no ambition or hope to do anything in the house even though a million things needed to be done.  I like to be clean and tidy most of the time.  But my house may not always look that way.  Doesn't take much for it to look like a complete disaster actually.  Dishes are never ending.  Laundry is always on the go.  And toys every where.  I haven't washed my walls in well... are you kidding me you wash your walls??? I try and do the main areas where the kids are always touching.  I admit my floors only get washed maybe once a week.  The bathroom always has toothpaste somewhere on the counters, usually gobs due to Boedy squeezing half the tube out.  My laundry room was a complete disaster due to the girls trying several outfits on in the am and mixing the clean with the dirty.  Every where I turned needed to be cleaned.  And today, it wasn't going to happen.  Maybe due to the fact that Brynlee was up several times in the night and I was one tired mama!!

I went to the car wash in town to kill time before my mommy's group and well things didn't look up.  The van washed up good, bubbles and all, but no water to rinse the bubbles off. So I left with a very soapy van to mommy's group.

During mommy's group I enjoy listening to most of the first time mom's.  I know I was in there shoes once.  No I don't think Im no super mom here and definitely don't have it all figured out.  I like how they say "i read in this book this, and this book that", makes me laugh thinking how a book is helping them figure there babies out.  I admit it is most of the time a guessing game.  Then I listened to them all talk about there hot holidays there planning this winter, how excited they were to get away from there babies.  I was oddly confused at how one child can make you need a hot holiday so bad.  I held Brynlee and couldn't imagine leaving her behind to go soak up some hot heat that makes me feel yucky most of the time any ways.  I admit yes I would love a holiday myself.  Id love a holiday with my kids though and my husband.  I love watching the excitement in there eyes when we make a simple trip to Regina (yes we don't get out much)!!

I came home to yes a messy house... but I didn't let it bring me down.  This is my job.  My job as a wife and stay at home mom.  I chose this cause I wanted this.  Riley works hard everyday at his job, and most evenings as well, and I had my own duties and tasks to complete.  I was GRATEFUL in that moment for the mess of my house.  Yes believe it or not!!

Hope

Where the week went once again I do not know.  Time flies by.  And its never ending in the house so I find it very hard to sit down at the computer and write.

This past week was a crazy one.  One I'm sure I will never forget.  I went to three cities in 3 days.  Not my choice on some.  I have noticed a large lump in my breast for a long time now and figured like always it was a clogged milk duct or something along those lines.  I went to the doctor Thursday to simply get antibiotics to get it better.  Not imagining what else the doctor had in mind.  He told me it wasn't infected and asked if we had cancer in the family.  After that question I pretty much lost all form of speaking to him because I couldn't believe what I was hearing "me breast cancer"!!!!  I left the doctors office in tears.  Scared to death.  Millions crossed my mind but I tried not to let it.  I went and saw my mom and told her and she was shocked, I tried to sit down and couldn't so I went and saw Riley at work.  My mind was racing!!

Friday I got called for an Ultrasound on my breast.  I remember the ride in trying to be brave.  Trying to think of other things coming up, or Christmas or just things to occupy my mind.  But then I would think "what if I didn't make it to Christmas, who would watch my kids? This is definetly why my mom moved here? Im never going to see them grow up?  And Brynlee she's a baby, she wont remember me, I dont want to die, Iam not ready!!"

Its amazing how when you are faced with what's about to come what your mind can do.  How you lose all faith and HOPE!! How you think the worst because in this day an age what else is there to think.  I cried.  Cried so hard at times like I hadn't cried since my dad passed.  I missed my dad but I wasn't ready to see him yet!!!!

The appointment was long and intense.  She examined me left the room for 10 minutes or more.  I prayed so hard in those moments.  Told God, "not now. you cant have me now.  I have 4 kids a husband a whole life to live.  Please God, please God!!!"  I prayed over and over till the nurse came back with the doctor.  I had my mind convinced this was it.  This was the end!!  Doctor said "we cant find no mass, no cyst no nothing.  Must be infected bad to have such a large lump."  I said "so you cant find nothing bad, its all good?" He smiled and said yes.  I think I asked him again once more.  And just like that in that moment my thoughts and pain and fear all went away.

I swear every one needs that to happen once in your life. The feeling of maybe your life being done, losing it all.  The gratitude you feel once you know you are going to be ok.  I remember thinking "please God, I will be a better wife and mom and friend.  Please, I wont complain about anything anymore, or take a day for granted anymore, I want this life more than ever"!  And just like that I got it.  We all need that moment in our lives when it might be over, then you find out its going to be okay.  I remember seeing my kids that night and holding them soooo tight, and kissing my husband like it was the first time again.  I remember smiling at so many strangers cause I was soo HAPPY!!!

When I went to bed that night, I though about the other side.  The other scenario.  The one who gets told that it is cancer and there not going to make it.  I prayed for there souls, I prayed for strength in the many people who suffer cancer.  I prayed that our family never has to face a moment like I did ever!!!

Life is precious..if only so many people understood how time is such a precious gift we have been given.  We don't know when we are going to pass.  We don't know if its tomorrow, or 5 yrs or when we are 80.  But doesn't that make you want to enjoy your time here.  Enjoy each moment you have been given.  Stop the fighting, stop the yelling, stop the drama the gossip, stop cleaning if you clean to much.  Enjoy the moment, live in the moment.  Life isn't about what you own or what's in your bank account, your going to realize its about what's in your home.  The kids, the family you have.  So many people hold grudges, and it like "WHY?" life is to short for that.  I spent alot of time with my mom and dad.  Always went to Dilke, invited them many places with us always.  I knew in my heart that I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible, and look.  Iam so glad I did.

Yesterday a beautiful baby shower was held for me and Sheila, another lady from town.  It was beautiful, simple all we needed. So well put together and so fun.  A good friend of mine spoke some great words of wisdom.  About life, about motherhood.  How to enjoy each moment.  Enjoy the 100 questions you get asked a day, enjoy the mess, enjoy being a mom.  And you know, I sure am.  I love my job, and wouldn't want to be any where else in the world!!  Each day I will grab on to the moments and memories and cherish them, and hold them close to my heart.  Smile today... be thankful you are here, I sure am!!!

Selfish

Its been a long week.  I never found time to sit down and write this week.  Feels as though keeping up here at home is never ending.  Today I had a poor me day.  A day where I am upset.  A day where you buy a pail of ice cream and just want to eat the pail. (yes I bought one)  A day where the bag of chips isn't filling that void deep inside you.  I was down, and couldn't seem to snap out of it.  I tried many times to break free from it, dance around, be goofy with the kids, but it kept weighing on me.  I didn't want to see no one, or talk to any one.  Felt every where I went I just walked with my head down and didn't want to connect eyes with any one in town cause I just was having a down day.

I found myself upset because my husband who works so hard, all I want with him is a break, a day away, maybe even a date night in Kelvington would do just fine.  Anything so just him and I can look one another in the eyes and hear each other speak. Not be shouting over the kids, or the kids interrupting with stories, and questions.  Just the two of us, enjoying the peace and quiet of each other.   But we never get that, and it bothers us both so much.  We just want a date night.

I found myself upset cause no matter how much I clean and do laundry its never ending.  The pile grows bigger and bigger everyday, yet I'm doing laundry all the time.  No matter what room I clean, seems the kids move in after its clean and mess it up.  The shouting, the fighting, the tattle tales, the bossing around.  I wanted to scream, or lock myself in the pantry and continue to eat those chips.

I wanted a break with feeding today.  I wanted my kitchen to be closed because I couldn't think of any more lunch or supper ideas.  Im tired of making the same things day after day week after week.  Or when you do make a nice meal and one of the kids say "its disgusting" and they know they are just pushing my buttons when they say it, but oh it hurts.  I felt like every time I cooked, then I had to feed Brynlee than it was snack time, then feed Brynlee, then the next meal, than feed Brynlee.  All I want after I make a nice meal is to just sit and enjoy it cause Im usually starving due to the fact that I haven't ate all day cause I've forgotten and am so busy.  And I find I re heat my meal cause I'm usually dishing that out and oh you need a drink, and oh you have to have the pink plate, lets switch, and yes ketchup, and ranch to dip.  I just wanted to scream, and run far far away.

And finally tonight I broke down.  Broke down after I got off the phone with my mom and realized how SELFISH I was.  How selfish I was acting for thinking the things I did.  When I'm so blessed to have a great life and a healthy family, and my mom tells me how my 36 yr old first cousin, might not make it cause she just found out she has major cancer and it doesn't look good.  And how she just got engaged, and they will marry in the hospital if she's going to pass that quick.  How she asked for her ashes to be spread amongst our Nanny and Grandpa's ashes cause she was always so close to them.  How she asked her son's fathers parents if they will take care of him and make sure he has a good education and provide him with a loving family.  I cried and cried thinking how stupid and selfish I am for thinking I was having a rough day.  That my life was tough and difficult.  I fell to knees and Riley held me.  I told him I could never be so strong.  If I was in her shoes how could I say goodbye to my 4 kids and to him, how could I be making plans for there future.  I cried for all my stupid selfish thoughts over the course of the day.  She may never get a date night again. She may never have the chaos in her house of her kids, and the mess and the joys of motherhood and being a wife.  She may never get to enjoy watching her children grow, or go on family trips or have movie nights. And here I was complaining about little things.  I cried for her.  Thinking of her in her hospital room.  How does one process what the doctor just told you that you have alot of cancer and your days don't look good??

We prayed for her tonight.  Prayed for peace and comfort and prayed for a miracle in her body.  No more will I be so selfish.

 

Proud

All I can say is I am one proud momma, of all three of my kids ofcourse, but Boedy amazes me most days.  We've been working on reading lately, and hes just so excited to read and learn new things.  He is getting so smart, it brings a tear to my eye, where did my little boy go.  So grown up and changing everyday.  Yesterday he brought me a book home from school.  His eyes lit up as he read it to me, and showed me the things he drew and learnt.  I was so proud of him in that moment.  My heart melted as he showed me his work, and how proud of himself he was, it was so adorable.

Time

We live in a world that prides itself for being "connected".  Most adults have at least one smart phone, tablet, ipod, laptop ect these days.  We are constantly being interrupted by sounds and alarms, and ring tones.  We are being pulled in 20 different directions all because of technology.  Is it really helping us stay connected??

I read a few different articles lately that really caught my eye.  All the talk about electronics and how they are taking over our everyday lives with out us even knowing.  Have you ever glanced around a restaurant lately.  Watching a family eat a meal together is not the same any more.  You see at least a few if not all with there cell phones in hand and there thumbs at work, connecting with people that arn't even at the meal.   We have allowed our hearts to become unglued from the real people in our lives. Or how about when you are talking with a friend, and right in the middle of a story that friends cell phone beeps, and they don't wait till your done talking, they grab there phone, completely interrupt you, start reading there new message they got then they reply, and completely forget you were even talking.  I've had that happen to me numerous times and the person doesn't even notice because that cell phone has them completely addicted to it.  Its truly sad.  Sad that people reply on these devices now a day.  Sad that no one calls anyone any more and its all threw a text or facebook.  How many birthday invites the kids have got on facebook, or threw a text.  Or even a happy birthday threw facebook or a text.  No one calls and talks in person anymore.

But the sad thing is, how its taking our time up, instead of the time we should be giving to our children.  As moms we need to make sure that our children know they come first in our hearts, in our minds, and in our lives.  When we are constantly glancing at them over a shiny gadget, love is not the message we communicate.  We should behold our children as the apples of our eyes.  And too often we give them a distracted "in a minute" response, or not even respond and they say "never mind!" while we are answering a text or email.  Our children have the right to expect the undivided attention of there momma's.  We need to reassure our kids that they are a million times more important than anything that could flash across the screen of our gadgets.

Obviously technology does have its place at times, as I'm writing this blog on my computer.  But I chose to do it, as my kids are on the school bus and Brynlee is still asleep. I obviously myself own a smart phone and know the distraction it can lead to.  That's why I've went off facebook, because God has given me a new baby to love and cuddle and teach and raise for His glory, and I'm choosing to make this baby and my 3 other kids my priority, above social networking and "connectedness".  Its sad when you see a parent hand there 2 or 5yr old or whatever age a cell phone, ipod or ipad.  And oh how cute it is that they know how to use it.  Quite frankly its not cute, its very sad.  Our children have never been handed our cell phones to shut them up.  We don't live on ipods or our Wii or our computer.  We don't even have a dvd player in our vehicle, we listen to the constant fights or "I'm bored", or "what can I do", and we just tell them to look out the window like we all did as kids.  I want my kids to grow up not relying on a gadget in there face.  Its sad when you see families all on a gadgets, losing out on family time.  Losing out on the precious moments they could be spending with there children.  What happened to imaginations?? What happened to bike rides, and walks, and games around the table??  In our home we continue it. We try and have family moments as often as we can.  We go out side and play baseball and watch them on the play set, or ride bikes together or quad rides and walks.  My kids have huge imaginations.  They build forts and play house and doctor and restaurant.

People seem to forget that the ones closest to us are the ones suffering.  Trust me, Ive had days myself where my kids would say "mom stop texting already", and its sad that I wasn't giving my full attention to them,  but yet I was on face book or was to someone else.  That's why I've chosen to put my cell aside, and do my business on there when kids are asleep, or busy themselves with school or other activities.  We have chosen that our children come first over a device.  And you may think you have yourself, but have you really??  Our parents didn't have facebook, or twitter or all the things the world has to offer now, and they survived.  Yet so many people don't think they can without being connected.

Gadgets can be great tools, but all to often they become devices that steal one of the most precious and irreplaceable commodities that we are given...TIME!!!

Our children are only with us for a very short time.  And if we spend most of that time with our eyes glued to our devices, rather than on them, we are in danger of severing one of the most precious gifts God has given to us as parents, the hearts of our children!!

Amazing

Probably 6 months ago or more I decided I didn't like my kitchen table.  And I really wanted a farm table, and I asked Riley if he ever thought he could make one.  He replied yes, so I sold the table with in minutes.  Over the last several months he has done lots of thinking and planning.  I showed him many pictures of the style I liked.  Finally after several months he put his mind to it and went to work.  Within TWO short days... not long days, he only put in a few hours in those two days, he completed the table.  We sat in awe and just starred at his work.  When I clear coated it, its like it came to life.  The grains in the wood, the color was beautiful.  He has done a truly amazing job.  Its so beautiful I didn't want to let my family eat or drink at it.  Every day I look at it and am just shocked he made this.  He cant even believe it himself.  He's amazing. Makes me wonder if there is anything he cant do. My dad would've been so proud.  My dad worked with wood all

the time.  He built our home we grew up in.  He would've loved this table.  Great job Riley, you are truly amazing!!

Grace

Grace... my definition of Grace, is "Blessing".

2 years ago I was told I probably couldn't have any more children, due to early menopausal symptoms.  I cried all the way home from Saskatoon that day.  Thinking this was it. I would never have another child. 3 was all I was going to have.  I cried cause when some one tells you that you cant have kids, it hurts more.  If we were to decide we were done then so be it, but when words like that come out of someone's mouth, it stabs you in the heart.   I kept telling myself this couldn't be it, that maybe if I changed my life style, my body would get better.  And That's exactly what I did.  Quitting drinking was a huge part of it.  Alcohol was destroying my body big time.

On Nov 19th I took two pregnancy tests because I was in dis belief.  And yes, they both were positive.  I cried alone in the bathroom, thanking God for this miracle of life once again over and over and over.

Brynlee Grace was born July 6th at 7:40pm.. one hour and 40 minutes only and she entered this world.  I looked at her, and I literally was shocked.  I felt like I was living a dream once again.  I never cried because I dont think it hit me till later that night.  I looked at her long skinny fingers, her wrinkly hands that looked like a little old lady.  She cried such a gentle cry and she was beautiful.  I new right then what a blessing she was to us.  A miracle baby perhaps.  And thats when I
new 'Grace' was a perfect middle name.

I remember that evening alone in the hospital.  After Riley left.  I held her and cried and cried.  I was scared.  Scared cause here was this new little life.  Another little person I had to take care of.  What if I wasnt a good mom?  What if I couldn't handle 4?  I cried cause I wanted her so bad and now I was scared.  Scared starting over.  Scared cause she was so little and I felt like I had forgot how to care for a little baby.  I cried cause my dad wasnt here to meet her and be with us at the hospital like he was all the others.  I missed him so much in that moment.  I cried cause she was so perfect and beautiful.

Every day I look at her and thank God for her. I tell her about my dad and even though she didnt get to meet grandpa, she is going to know alot about him.  I tell her how much he wouldve loved her, and how she was his 12th grand child.  I look at her every day and watch the new little things she learns and just feel so happy and blessed.  How in such a short time they learn so many new things.  She's beautiful.  And angel truly.

 Even though dad didn't get to meet her and hold her and watch her grow physically,  I know he's watching over her every day.  In my heart,  my dad met and held her before I did.  Miss u dad!!

Where did the time go??

Yes I'm sure we can all ask one another this question time and time again.  I remember my dad always saying "life will go so quick once you have kids".  Well he wasn't kidding.

This am, I sent my 3 precious babies to school, all full time..(insert crying).  Boedy was sad... "mommy I don't want to go to school, I am going to miss you, I just want to stay home and be with you, please mommy I don't need school, I will do something else but I dont need school" as he cried to me.  Aubrie was excited, "I'm so excited for school mom I cant wait to see my friends and and see what they say about my new school shoes" lol.. oh my precious Aubrie and her style.  And Allie was nervous, "I don't want to go to school.  Why cant you home school like Aunty Ara and Charlotte??" Please mom please"..

My heart broke in pieces this am as I watched the school bus drive away. Where did the time go??  I thought of this day.  I never thought it would happen for years right.. well those years have passed and the time has come.  As I walked back into my house I wanted to reach for my phone and call my dad.  And tell him he was right.  The years went so quick.  I want the chaos back. I want three kids under 3 again, the crying, the temper tantrums, the diaper's.  I want all three back in my home, in my care, where I get to watch them all day and they only look up to mommy.  My dad told me once "you are gonna miss these years Cari", when my kids were all so small and I had many chaotic days.  And I truly do.

Boedy begged me to come to school this am cause he was scared.   He didn't know where his class room was or who his teacher was, and now he had to go in the big doors instead of the Kindergarten doors.  And Aubrie as well, new class room new teacher.  And Allie already goes in the big kid doors and cant even play on the play ground with Aubrie and Boedy, cause she's classified as a big kid.  Well I decided to wake Brynlee and go.  How many more years are my kids going to beg me to come take them to school?? Not many.  When the bus pulled up at school, I did to, and the smiles on the kids faces were so awesome to see.  I took each to there class room and let each one of them go.  Just like that.

I came home and had myself a really good cry.  Life is precious.  If only so many people could understand how precious your children truly are.  And that they do grow up so quick.  I look at my sisters kids and it shocks me how grown they are.  How once she had 4 kids under 5 and the chaos in her home, and how precious they were... and now there teenagers and growing so fast.

  Life goes by in a blink.  We have to make every day count and realize that our little babies arn't going to be babies for very long.

Success

I over heard a conversation the other day while standing in line at the grocery store and wanted to interrupt so bad but couldn't.  I was shocked, taken back a little you could say. And yes this post may even offend some of you who read it.

An older man was visiting with a younger man, obviously they hadn't seen one another in quite some time.  And the younger man was going on and on about his new house he built and the new truck he owns, and the cabin at the lake, and the boat he enjoys.  The older man than followed up with how successful the younger man is sure doing, and how glad he was for him.  He mentioned the word "success" or "successful" numerous times it was making me sick.  I wanted to interrupt so bad, and ask them both "is that truly how you measure success?"   Is it truly in what people see from the outside??  The big fancy new home, the new vehicles that have endless car payments, the boat in the garage, the holidays you go on???  I really wanted to know, because society now, sure seems that's how people are measuring there success these days, by all the material things in there life.

As I stood in line, I know both guys glanced at me more than a few times, probably because I had 4 kids with me, or could it be perhaps the number of times I repeated myself, "no Boedy you don't need a chocolate bar", "Aubrie put the Easter egg back", "Allie you don't need gum", "no, No, NO!!!"  I wanted to so stop right there in all the chaos, and say, "you want to know how I measure success??  I don't measure success by the money in our bank account, or the house we live in, or the vehicles people drive.  To me that's not successful. I measure success when I look at these 4 little monsters who rule my life.  I measure success by the moments each one of them learn something new, learn to walk, smile, read, ride a bike.  I measure success by the chaos in my house each day, and how beautiful they look when I go look at them after they have fallen asleep.  I measure success by the way they look up to me and daddy right now like we are there everything and all they ever need.  I measure success by the toys scattered through out my house, and the laundry piled high, and the dishes in the sink, and the movie nights we have, and how excited they get when we all are together as a family just watching a movie, or the family bike rides, or walks in the evening, or the soccer ball we kick around and the Frisbee we toss back and forth.   Nothing else compares to these 4 beautiful kids who have stolen my heart... no house, no money, no vehicle."

I left the grocery store, loaded the kids in the van and the grocery's.  Sat in my front seat as I watched that young guy walk to his fancy truck, get in and go.  I sat there, looking in my rear view mirror and choked up a bit.  I was proud of what I had in that vehicle with me, proud of the angels that were given to me.  And not a day goes by where I don't look at them and think about how successful Iam!!

Cheers

Today is a big deal to me.  I wondered all along how I would celebrate or what my life would be like at the one year mark.  I had no question about whether or not I would make the one year mark, yes in the beginning it was tough, but been really good since.  One year ago today, I quit drinking.  Its a huge deal for me, cause quitting drinking is extremely hard.  Especially when you like it to much.  Alcohol and me don't mix.  I cant just have one, or two or 5.  I had a bad tendency that I needed to finish the bottle and then more.  I never passed out, very seldom thru up, and did many stupid ridiculous things while drinking.  I became some one else. Acted stupid and did alot of things I regret.

When I was 21 years old I was told I had a liver of a 60 year old alcoholic.  I quit drinking then, and had 3 babies in 3 years.  I quit for 5.5 years and life was perfect.  But once I started again, and told myself, "you could just have one or two Cari", it went right back down hill again in a hurry.  Lets just say after I lost my dad, my life crumbled.  I hid my pain, and drank my pain away.  With every drink I had I forgot about the pain of my dad, or didn't think about every day life issues.  I figured after dad died what's the point in life.  Forgetting I had a husband who loved me and 3 kids who needed me.  I began drinking ridiculous amounts because I could.  One summer day I finished an entire 66 of rum, yes you heard me.  Never passed out, never puked, and proceeded to drive myself home late that evening with my kids on board.  I did alot of regretful things. I caused alot of pain to people, to myself, to my husband, my family.  And worst of all, I never dreamt I'd quit drinking, I just figured one of the times I drank the amount I did, maybe that would be the end of me.

A year ago today, I made the choice to quit drinking because of several reasons.  I know even though my dad was gone he knew what I was doing.  It almost ruined my marriage,  for my health, my kids, my life in general.  It was a tough battle.  I had sugar cravings because of the sugar in the alcohol. I suffered head aches for days. I felt the need to still drink many different flavours of drinks trying anything to get that rush from drinking, that feeling when your drink a stiff one and you can feel it go right to your toes.  I fought a good fight.  I had to re build my marriage, my trust.  I had a few friends that fought it out with me.  Who were there for me when I had the need of a drink and I would call them and say "help me please"!!

Its going to be a struggle my entire life yes I know that.  But all I can do is take it day by day.  I cant say I'm quitting for the rest of my life, all I can say is "I made it another day".  If you have ever suffered any sort of addiction in your life, you will understand me.  Alcohol is tough.  Because it is every where, and everyone offers you a drink all the time.  I don't want to be judged because I don't drink and you do.  That's your life, not mine and it doesn't bother me if you drink, you can obviously handle it and I cant.  This is just my choice.  A choice I made for me, for my health, my life, my marriage my kids.  I will fight this battle till I leave this earth I know that, but I also know this Id rather fight the battle then lose the battle.  I can do this, I am going to do this.  I tell myself daily "I don't need alcohol".  All it does is ruin lives, family's, marriages, so many things.

So today I will celebrate.  Even if its toasting with my kids the day before in the hospital with hospital cups of water,  saying out load "Cheers guys.  Mommy did it"!!!