Grace

Grace... my definition of Grace, is "Blessing".

2 years ago I was told I probably couldn't have any more children, due to early menopausal symptoms.  I cried all the way home from Saskatoon that day.  Thinking this was it. I would never have another child. 3 was all I was going to have.  I cried cause when some one tells you that you cant have kids, it hurts more.  If we were to decide we were done then so be it, but when words like that come out of someone's mouth, it stabs you in the heart.   I kept telling myself this couldn't be it, that maybe if I changed my life style, my body would get better.  And That's exactly what I did.  Quitting drinking was a huge part of it.  Alcohol was destroying my body big time.

On Nov 19th I took two pregnancy tests because I was in dis belief.  And yes, they both were positive.  I cried alone in the bathroom, thanking God for this miracle of life once again over and over and over.

Brynlee Grace was born July 6th at 7:40pm.. one hour and 40 minutes only and she entered this world.  I looked at her, and I literally was shocked.  I felt like I was living a dream once again.  I never cried because I dont think it hit me till later that night.  I looked at her long skinny fingers, her wrinkly hands that looked like a little old lady.  She cried such a gentle cry and she was beautiful.  I new right then what a blessing she was to us.  A miracle baby perhaps.  And thats when I
new 'Grace' was a perfect middle name.

I remember that evening alone in the hospital.  After Riley left.  I held her and cried and cried.  I was scared.  Scared cause here was this new little life.  Another little person I had to take care of.  What if I wasnt a good mom?  What if I couldn't handle 4?  I cried cause I wanted her so bad and now I was scared.  Scared starting over.  Scared cause she was so little and I felt like I had forgot how to care for a little baby.  I cried cause my dad wasnt here to meet her and be with us at the hospital like he was all the others.  I missed him so much in that moment.  I cried cause she was so perfect and beautiful.

Every day I look at her and thank God for her. I tell her about my dad and even though she didnt get to meet grandpa, she is going to know alot about him.  I tell her how much he wouldve loved her, and how she was his 12th grand child.  I look at her every day and watch the new little things she learns and just feel so happy and blessed.  How in such a short time they learn so many new things.  She's beautiful.  And angel truly.

 Even though dad didn't get to meet her and hold her and watch her grow physically,  I know he's watching over her every day.  In my heart,  my dad met and held her before I did.  Miss u dad!!