Selfish

Its been a long week.  I never found time to sit down and write this week.  Feels as though keeping up here at home is never ending.  Today I had a poor me day.  A day where I am upset.  A day where you buy a pail of ice cream and just want to eat the pail. (yes I bought one)  A day where the bag of chips isn't filling that void deep inside you.  I was down, and couldn't seem to snap out of it.  I tried many times to break free from it, dance around, be goofy with the kids, but it kept weighing on me.  I didn't want to see no one, or talk to any one.  Felt every where I went I just walked with my head down and didn't want to connect eyes with any one in town cause I just was having a down day.

I found myself upset because my husband who works so hard, all I want with him is a break, a day away, maybe even a date night in Kelvington would do just fine.  Anything so just him and I can look one another in the eyes and hear each other speak. Not be shouting over the kids, or the kids interrupting with stories, and questions.  Just the two of us, enjoying the peace and quiet of each other.   But we never get that, and it bothers us both so much.  We just want a date night.

I found myself upset cause no matter how much I clean and do laundry its never ending.  The pile grows bigger and bigger everyday, yet I'm doing laundry all the time.  No matter what room I clean, seems the kids move in after its clean and mess it up.  The shouting, the fighting, the tattle tales, the bossing around.  I wanted to scream, or lock myself in the pantry and continue to eat those chips.

I wanted a break with feeding today.  I wanted my kitchen to be closed because I couldn't think of any more lunch or supper ideas.  Im tired of making the same things day after day week after week.  Or when you do make a nice meal and one of the kids say "its disgusting" and they know they are just pushing my buttons when they say it, but oh it hurts.  I felt like every time I cooked, then I had to feed Brynlee than it was snack time, then feed Brynlee, then the next meal, than feed Brynlee.  All I want after I make a nice meal is to just sit and enjoy it cause Im usually starving due to the fact that I haven't ate all day cause I've forgotten and am so busy.  And I find I re heat my meal cause I'm usually dishing that out and oh you need a drink, and oh you have to have the pink plate, lets switch, and yes ketchup, and ranch to dip.  I just wanted to scream, and run far far away.

And finally tonight I broke down.  Broke down after I got off the phone with my mom and realized how SELFISH I was.  How selfish I was acting for thinking the things I did.  When I'm so blessed to have a great life and a healthy family, and my mom tells me how my 36 yr old first cousin, might not make it cause she just found out she has major cancer and it doesn't look good.  And how she just got engaged, and they will marry in the hospital if she's going to pass that quick.  How she asked for her ashes to be spread amongst our Nanny and Grandpa's ashes cause she was always so close to them.  How she asked her son's fathers parents if they will take care of him and make sure he has a good education and provide him with a loving family.  I cried and cried thinking how stupid and selfish I am for thinking I was having a rough day.  That my life was tough and difficult.  I fell to knees and Riley held me.  I told him I could never be so strong.  If I was in her shoes how could I say goodbye to my 4 kids and to him, how could I be making plans for there future.  I cried for all my stupid selfish thoughts over the course of the day.  She may never get a date night again. She may never have the chaos in her house of her kids, and the mess and the joys of motherhood and being a wife.  She may never get to enjoy watching her children grow, or go on family trips or have movie nights. And here I was complaining about little things.  I cried for her.  Thinking of her in her hospital room.  How does one process what the doctor just told you that you have alot of cancer and your days don't look good??

We prayed for her tonight.  Prayed for peace and comfort and prayed for a miracle in her body.  No more will I be so selfish.