On Time

I've decided to quickly blog while 2 of my kids are sleeping, and Allie is in school. I just finished a client I had and have about 10 minutes before i go get Allie.

Thursday are a very busy day for me. Allie has dance in the morning, and school after lunch, so it's difficult hauling all three kids around and getting to places on time. I don't like to be on time, I like to be early, thats just who Iam and how i will always be. I start to panic if iam just on time, rather than early. I can't imagine how i would react if I was ever late. Well seems when ever you are early going some where you hit every green light, and when ever your late, you hit every red light. Well this morning, Boedy decided last night he was going to sleep from 8:30-6:45 this morning, which was awesome for me, but after i fed him he went back to sleep, till 9 when i had to wake him, shovel his oatmeal down his throat, dress him and the girls, jackets, hats, mitts, boots, and get them in the van to get to dance at 9:30. Oh somewhere in there put Allie and Aubrie on the potty as well, put Allie's in her dance outfit cause she didn't feel like doing it, give a bottle to Boedy, and ya then get myself ready and out the door. It was a hectic morning, and Thursday always is. So Ofcourse the lights were mostly red, which just frustrates me, and ofcourse when I arrived, I was on time, but that wasn't good enough..lol.. I still have to unload three kids, get into the dance studio, take off the coats boots and mits, and get allie in her dance slippers and into her class. Then I have to occupy two kids for a half an hour and keep them quiet.. So fun..lol Or should i say more stressful for me in the end.

Anyways, now i have to go wake my two sleeping babies, and dress them right back up and go get Allie from school. Have a good afternoon!!

Busy

I havent been up to my usual posting lately cause my life is so busy these days. I find I don't even have time to talk on the phone with a friend, let alone sit at the computer and blog. Life is busy with three kids and Iam not sure if it's ever going to slow down. Morning to night it's a constant go. Laundry never seems to end, house work never ends. The house gets cleaned every night, and by mid morning, it looks like a tornado went threw it. Iam getting slowly sick of toys..lol.. and theres only going to be more to come. Boedy seems to be hungry all the time. He seems like he eats more than the girls do. It's either eat, or change him, eat or change him. And Iam still potty training Aubrie. Some days she is awesome, next day she doesn't care. And thats frustrating. Some days I don't know where she peed in the house and either does she. Yesterday she opened a bright red nail polish and dumped it on the carpet. Needless to say our house smells like nail polish remover, it's awful.

I love my kids SO MUCH. There my life, my everything. I can't even remember life before them, it's like they have been here forever. I try to enjoy every moment with them, cause I know one day they wont be little babies anymore. I hate each passing day cause I know there growing up. I hate that Boedy's going to be 1 in a few months, and Allie 4. Where did the time go??? I try every day to lock in so many memories of them, but yet I know I wont remember half of the stuff they say or do. I just dont want them to grow up.

But I best run, the house is a mess as always, it's betime and the start of another new week tomorrow!!

A New Life

It's been a while since i have blogged, maybe because number one, Iam extremely busy, and number two, I just couldn't find the words to write and express what I have been going through for the past 10 months. And here goes nothing. I thought whether or not i'd ever blog about this, and decided the time has come, and it will make me feel better.

The past 10 months, or even before Boedy was born, I knew something wasn't right with me. I became so emotional, so angry with life, so drained, un- happy, and just not me. I didn't want to see friends, so many things made me mad, I let my anger rage on Riley and my kids. I envisioned many things like leaving my family behind and starting a new life. I cried every single day and iam not joking. I wanted to stay in bed most days and never get up, I was so tired all the time and sad everyday. I would binge eat some days such terrible food and such large amounts then wouldn't eat for a few days. I hide my pain, and expressed it only to a few. Some friends noticed and were concerned but I was trying my hardest to get past it, and the next day things would get better. I couldn't remember the last time I was happy, or laughed or was excited about life. I kept telling Riley this wasn't me, and something was wrong, and he just kept saying "your tired, u need a good rest". And yes that also was a huge part of it, but I knew there was more.

Everything came to an end one friday when I had another HUGE melt down for no reason at all. Riley couldn't understand why I was crying, and so upset, and mad and angry. I wanted to end my life, I wanted away, I hated myself my kids, just everything. I said I have to go see the doctor, something I dreaded.

So about 3 1/2 weeks ago, i went to my doctor. I walked in his office, he laughed and said, "your not pregnant r u?" I said "NO"... Then as I began to tell him, I started crying yet once again. So I handed him a letter I wrote. Everything I have been feeling. He read everything, looked up at me, and said "Its going to be ok". We talked for along time, and he diagnosed me with Postpartum depression. I was in denial. I never wanted this to happen to me, I felt useless and incapable, I felt like a no good mother because I didn't want to rely on a pill to make me feel better.

So 3 1/2 weeks ago, was the last time I cried. I am SO HAPPY these days, it's honestly night and day. I don't get angry no more, little things before that I'd explode over I take time with, i handle fights and crying SO MUCH different. Iam not mad or angry and I LOVE my LIFE so much. I can't believe how off I was, and I hope and pray everyday I will get better and stay better. He wants me to take this pill for 6 months and said my chemical balance should be back to normal. And I pray it is. My friends have noticed how much happier Iam, and Riley can't believe the change. I know some might judge me and some will think that they thought i was stronger than that.. But i honestly tried for the last 10 months, and i can finally say Iam happy, and can laugh and smile again. It's so nice to have a complete day with out crying.