A New Life

It's been a while since i have blogged, maybe because number one, Iam extremely busy, and number two, I just couldn't find the words to write and express what I have been going through for the past 10 months. And here goes nothing. I thought whether or not i'd ever blog about this, and decided the time has come, and it will make me feel better.

The past 10 months, or even before Boedy was born, I knew something wasn't right with me. I became so emotional, so angry with life, so drained, un- happy, and just not me. I didn't want to see friends, so many things made me mad, I let my anger rage on Riley and my kids. I envisioned many things like leaving my family behind and starting a new life. I cried every single day and iam not joking. I wanted to stay in bed most days and never get up, I was so tired all the time and sad everyday. I would binge eat some days such terrible food and such large amounts then wouldn't eat for a few days. I hide my pain, and expressed it only to a few. Some friends noticed and were concerned but I was trying my hardest to get past it, and the next day things would get better. I couldn't remember the last time I was happy, or laughed or was excited about life. I kept telling Riley this wasn't me, and something was wrong, and he just kept saying "your tired, u need a good rest". And yes that also was a huge part of it, but I knew there was more.

Everything came to an end one friday when I had another HUGE melt down for no reason at all. Riley couldn't understand why I was crying, and so upset, and mad and angry. I wanted to end my life, I wanted away, I hated myself my kids, just everything. I said I have to go see the doctor, something I dreaded.

So about 3 1/2 weeks ago, i went to my doctor. I walked in his office, he laughed and said, "your not pregnant r u?" I said "NO"... Then as I began to tell him, I started crying yet once again. So I handed him a letter I wrote. Everything I have been feeling. He read everything, looked up at me, and said "Its going to be ok". We talked for along time, and he diagnosed me with Postpartum depression. I was in denial. I never wanted this to happen to me, I felt useless and incapable, I felt like a no good mother because I didn't want to rely on a pill to make me feel better.

So 3 1/2 weeks ago, was the last time I cried. I am SO HAPPY these days, it's honestly night and day. I don't get angry no more, little things before that I'd explode over I take time with, i handle fights and crying SO MUCH different. Iam not mad or angry and I LOVE my LIFE so much. I can't believe how off I was, and I hope and pray everyday I will get better and stay better. He wants me to take this pill for 6 months and said my chemical balance should be back to normal. And I pray it is. My friends have noticed how much happier Iam, and Riley can't believe the change. I know some might judge me and some will think that they thought i was stronger than that.. But i honestly tried for the last 10 months, and i can finally say Iam happy, and can laugh and smile again. It's so nice to have a complete day with out crying.