Being A Mom

I got asked the other day if i like what I do... i obviously didn't hesitate, but answered with a very reassured "Yes", with a laugh behind it. But followed with the question, "meaning staying home EVERY day??".. Somedays trust me I look at the outside world, and miss getting ready to go some where, putting make-up on and dressing nice, instead of laying in a t-shirt and sweats all day, no make-up on, with un brushed hair. I long to look good for some one or something, but the fact that I have two toddlers, that don't notice make-up or a nice shirt, doesn't really much matter to me when Iam at home with them. I sometimes long for being away from my kids, just to have that moment where there so excited to see you when you do return and pick them up. I think about the days where my kids weren't in my life, and wonder what I did all day. I miss obviously being able to come and go as I please, because now it's more of a chore trying to leaving the house. Bending over to put on shoes in impossible now, and making sure i have everything packed in the diaper bag, from snacks, to suckies, to sippie cups, to diaper, wipes, wallet, cell phone..ect... It makes going out very tiring and not really worth it, especially if it's for one thing.

I miss the days where i only had me to worry and care about, and now I have to lives in my hands. I just can't lay through lunch if Iam not hungry, cause i have two mouths to feed, cause there always hungry. I just can't lay down on the couch for five minutes with out someone jumping on me or tossing a toy my direction cause they want attention, and someone to play with. I can't remember the last bathroom break I had where it was alone, the last shower I had where there wasn't banging on the door, or the kids ended up in the tub with me. I can't remember the last meal I ate warm, or even finshied, or should i say enjoyed...lol

My days are filled with happiness, sadness, anger, joy, love, worry, hate, fear, so many emotions. I have days where things are so wonderful around here.. yesterday I was so happy cause lunch was a success.. meaning they ate everything, no crying, no throwing food, I was happy and proud. I have days where I fall to the floor and cry, and wonder what mother can do this everyday, what mother can raise 8 children, and not go insane. I have most days where I just look at my girls and can't believe there mine, that there my creation, and there so wonderful and beautiful, and also many days where I would sell them to the next pedestrian walking down the street. From the crying cause of tiredness, or getting there way, the screaming cause of the fighting or the time-outs that sometimes continue on through-out the day. I have found myself looking at them in those moments, and crying along with them. Wondering again, how am i going to do this day in and day out for the next how many years.

As I looked across to my friend, I looked at her, and thought in that moment, how yes Iam very proud to be a stay at home mom. To watch my kids grow and learn and love and laugh, each and every day. Motherhood is a tough thing. If someone would've said that years back to me, I think I might've laughed and said "oh it can't be that hard". Everyday is a new day for me. I don't know what the day is going to bring, but all i ask for each day is strength and patience, and sometimes that doesn't always exactly happen. Everyday i wake to children either jumping on me or crying cause there already hungry, so it's out of bed and in the constant mommy mode.
I never dreamed of motherhood being this hard. Being in constant need of someone, and always having to be ready for the next moment. I think about life 20 years from now, and how I will be all alone. How these years I spent someday pulling my hair out, or teaching them endless new things, or the many play times we share together, there not even going to remember, and that makes me sad. I think about how some days I don't want them to need me or want me so bad, and that one day I will want them back and they'll be on there own, and not be in need of me.

I need to take this time and enjoy life, and motherhood. Everyday I question this, and I know the answers right there.. It's the best thing I have ever done.