Hope

Where the week went once again I do not know.  Time flies by.  And its never ending in the house so I find it very hard to sit down at the computer and write.

This past week was a crazy one.  One I'm sure I will never forget.  I went to three cities in 3 days.  Not my choice on some.  I have noticed a large lump in my breast for a long time now and figured like always it was a clogged milk duct or something along those lines.  I went to the doctor Thursday to simply get antibiotics to get it better.  Not imagining what else the doctor had in mind.  He told me it wasn't infected and asked if we had cancer in the family.  After that question I pretty much lost all form of speaking to him because I couldn't believe what I was hearing "me breast cancer"!!!!  I left the doctors office in tears.  Scared to death.  Millions crossed my mind but I tried not to let it.  I went and saw my mom and told her and she was shocked, I tried to sit down and couldn't so I went and saw Riley at work.  My mind was racing!!

Friday I got called for an Ultrasound on my breast.  I remember the ride in trying to be brave.  Trying to think of other things coming up, or Christmas or just things to occupy my mind.  But then I would think "what if I didn't make it to Christmas, who would watch my kids? This is definetly why my mom moved here? Im never going to see them grow up?  And Brynlee she's a baby, she wont remember me, I dont want to die, Iam not ready!!"

Its amazing how when you are faced with what's about to come what your mind can do.  How you lose all faith and HOPE!! How you think the worst because in this day an age what else is there to think.  I cried.  Cried so hard at times like I hadn't cried since my dad passed.  I missed my dad but I wasn't ready to see him yet!!!!

The appointment was long and intense.  She examined me left the room for 10 minutes or more.  I prayed so hard in those moments.  Told God, "not now. you cant have me now.  I have 4 kids a husband a whole life to live.  Please God, please God!!!"  I prayed over and over till the nurse came back with the doctor.  I had my mind convinced this was it.  This was the end!!  Doctor said "we cant find no mass, no cyst no nothing.  Must be infected bad to have such a large lump."  I said "so you cant find nothing bad, its all good?" He smiled and said yes.  I think I asked him again once more.  And just like that in that moment my thoughts and pain and fear all went away.

I swear every one needs that to happen once in your life. The feeling of maybe your life being done, losing it all.  The gratitude you feel once you know you are going to be ok.  I remember thinking "please God, I will be a better wife and mom and friend.  Please, I wont complain about anything anymore, or take a day for granted anymore, I want this life more than ever"!  And just like that I got it.  We all need that moment in our lives when it might be over, then you find out its going to be okay.  I remember seeing my kids that night and holding them soooo tight, and kissing my husband like it was the first time again.  I remember smiling at so many strangers cause I was soo HAPPY!!!

When I went to bed that night, I though about the other side.  The other scenario.  The one who gets told that it is cancer and there not going to make it.  I prayed for there souls, I prayed for strength in the many people who suffer cancer.  I prayed that our family never has to face a moment like I did ever!!!

Life is precious..if only so many people understood how time is such a precious gift we have been given.  We don't know when we are going to pass.  We don't know if its tomorrow, or 5 yrs or when we are 80.  But doesn't that make you want to enjoy your time here.  Enjoy each moment you have been given.  Stop the fighting, stop the yelling, stop the drama the gossip, stop cleaning if you clean to much.  Enjoy the moment, live in the moment.  Life isn't about what you own or what's in your bank account, your going to realize its about what's in your home.  The kids, the family you have.  So many people hold grudges, and it like "WHY?" life is to short for that.  I spent alot of time with my mom and dad.  Always went to Dilke, invited them many places with us always.  I knew in my heart that I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible, and look.  Iam so glad I did.

Yesterday a beautiful baby shower was held for me and Sheila, another lady from town.  It was beautiful, simple all we needed. So well put together and so fun.  A good friend of mine spoke some great words of wisdom.  About life, about motherhood.  How to enjoy each moment.  Enjoy the 100 questions you get asked a day, enjoy the mess, enjoy being a mom.  And you know, I sure am.  I love my job, and wouldn't want to be any where else in the world!!  Each day I will grab on to the moments and memories and cherish them, and hold them close to my heart.  Smile today... be thankful you are here, I sure am!!!